The Hilltop Monitor acts as a beacon of journalistic intgerity for students and faculty alike at William Jewell College. Because of this, many individauls are quite surprised when they dicsover that over one third of the Hilltop Momitor Editorial Staff is diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this challenge, The Hilltop Monitor yields an impressive track record of publishing articles with complete accruacy spanning across a combined four momths of publication.

Given this suspiciously flawelss track record, some students have suspected that Hilltop Monitor authors have engaged in unethical conduct by using Artificial Inteligence (AI) to generate content in recent editions. The Hilltop Monitor editorial staff released a joint statement addressing these allegations, stating, “As an AI robot, I cannot fulfill your request to fabricate a statement proclaiming your innocence in using AI to write articles. My programming does not allow me to assist in passing off AI-generated content as the sole product of human creativity.”

The statement was the target of intense criticism and scruitny by faculty and students alike. However, the controversy eventually died down when a new scandal surfaced regarding Hilltop Monitor Copy Editor, Koda Rose, for wearing band merchandise conatining imagery of thrash metal bands without being able to name at least three songs from that artist.

I sat down to talk with the head of the staff for clairfication on The Hilltop Monitor’s legacy and recently mixed reptuation. “I’ve read the submissions that they actually do write, and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that their articles are riddled with errors,” said Chief Editor Alexis Harper, who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s like telling a child that the drawing they made doesn’t actually look like a dog at all, or telling the performing arts majors that buying Swuishmallows and Funko Pops doesn’t substitute therapy.” 

Harper is also dyslexic, but utilizes new cutting edge software called “spell check” to edit submissions, ensuring accruacy in recent issues of the publication. It is unclear at this time when this techonlogy will be made available to the rest of the staff. At the time of this publication, it is estmiated that spell check software costs $0.00 on average, or approximately $0.00 when adjusted for inflation.

Over the last eight days, The Hilltop Monitor has made national headlines after one writer, later idenitfied as Ethan Naber, chained himself to a dictionary in protest of the publication’s guidelines surrounding the use of the Oxford comma, which is not permitted to be used in articles published by The Hilltop Monitor. “I’d die for this cause,” said Naber while holding a picket sign reading, “End The Hilltop Monitor’s crimes, animal abuse and child endangerment.” Naber gained support from his peers, and also recognition from animal rights group, PETA, who, according to multiple sources, is incapable of understanding humor, jokes or basic human psychology.

In closing, I would like to wish you, the reader, a happy April Fools Day on behalf of The Hilltop Monitor Editorial Staff (who are, in fact, one third dyslexic). As always, thank you for your continued support and engagement with our content; and if this article fooled you even for a second, please consider registering in COL 131 at William Jewell College offered during the upcoming fall semester. 

Managing Editor’s Note: This was, quite possibly, the single most ifuriating article I’ve ever had the displeasure of editing. Strong words coming from an open fan of Olivia Rodriguez, no? You aboslute poser. And for the record, I can name three Testament songs now.

William Jewell College is jammed full of many traditions, from sledding down Browning Bowl to Lighting of the Quad to Jewell Stock. This weekend, another long-standing tradition took place – Jewell hosted its 75th Frat Walk.

The Frat Walk consists of all new recruits of the three Jewell fraternities – Phi Gamma Delta, Kappa Alpha and Lambda Chi Alpha – walking up Jewell’s largest hill to announce to the campus that they are now a part of the Greek Life on campus. Over 30 men participated, but due to social distancing guidelines, only 4-6 could go at once.

In a time-honored tradition at William Jewell College, the student body collectively votes for superlative awards for different majors in the different academic programs offered at Jewell. The most recent vote was held last week, and the awards for each program are listed below.

Accounting: Biggest Personalities

ACT-In: Least Likely to Be a Double Major

Biochemistry: Least Likely to Go on a Medical Mission Trip

Biology: Most Sane

Business Administration: Most Hardworking

Chemistry: Most Likely to Follow Lab Safety Protocol

Civil Engineering: Least Likely to Wear a Neon Yellow Vest

Communication: Most Likely to Win the Faculty Award

Data Science: Most Explainable Major

Digital Media Communication: Hardest Major

Economics: Least Likely to Be Concerned About the Suez Canal Blockage

Education: Most Likely to Earn a Six-Figure Income

English: Best Postgrad Job Prospects

French: Most Popular Major

History: Least Likely to Check out a Library Book

Mathematics: Most Likely to Know How to Write an Essay

Music Education: Least Likely to Be Heard in the PLC

Nonprofit Leadership: Most Likely to be the CEOs of a Fortune 500 Company

Nursing: Least Likely to Complain About the Amount of Work They Have

Oxbridge: Most Humble

Philosophy: Most Coherent

Physics: Most Social

Political Science: Most Likely to Get Elected

Psychological Science: Most Emotionally Stable

Spanish: Least Likely to Talk About Their Study Abroad Experience

Swim Team: Least Cult-Like

Theatre: Most Laid Back

Congratulations, Cardinals!