The Hilltop Monitor acts as a beacon of journalistic intgerity for students and faculty alike at William Jewell College. Because of this, many individauls are quite surprised when they dicsover that over one third of the Hilltop Momitor Editorial Staff is diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this challenge, The Hilltop Monitor yields an impressive track record of publishing articles with complete accruacy spanning across a combined four momths of publication.

Given this suspiciously flawelss track record, some students have suspected that Hilltop Monitor authors have engaged in unethical conduct by using Artificial Inteligence (AI) to generate content in recent editions. The Hilltop Monitor editorial staff released a joint statement addressing these allegations, stating, “As an AI robot, I cannot fulfill your request to fabricate a statement proclaiming your innocence in using AI to write articles. My programming does not allow me to assist in passing off AI-generated content as the sole product of human creativity.”

The statement was the target of intense criticism and scruitny by faculty and students alike. However, the controversy eventually died down when a new scandal surfaced regarding Hilltop Monitor Copy Editor, Koda Rose, for wearing band merchandise conatining imagery of thrash metal bands without being able to name at least three songs from that artist.

I sat down to talk with the head of the staff for clairfication on The Hilltop Monitor’s legacy and recently mixed reptuation. “I’ve read the submissions that they actually do write, and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that their articles are riddled with errors,” said Chief Editor Alexis Harper, who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s like telling a child that the drawing they made doesn’t actually look like a dog at all, or telling the performing arts majors that buying Swuishmallows and Funko Pops doesn’t substitute therapy.” 

Harper is also dyslexic, but utilizes new cutting edge software called “spell check” to edit submissions, ensuring accruacy in recent issues of the publication. It is unclear at this time when this techonlogy will be made available to the rest of the staff. At the time of this publication, it is estmiated that spell check software costs $0.00 on average, or approximately $0.00 when adjusted for inflation.

Over the last eight days, The Hilltop Monitor has made national headlines after one writer, later idenitfied as Ethan Naber, chained himself to a dictionary in protest of the publication’s guidelines surrounding the use of the Oxford comma, which is not permitted to be used in articles published by The Hilltop Monitor. “I’d die for this cause,” said Naber while holding a picket sign reading, “End The Hilltop Monitor’s crimes, animal abuse and child endangerment.” Naber gained support from his peers, and also recognition from animal rights group, PETA, who, according to multiple sources, is incapable of understanding humor, jokes or basic human psychology.

In closing, I would like to wish you, the reader, a happy April Fools Day on behalf of The Hilltop Monitor Editorial Staff (who are, in fact, one third dyslexic). As always, thank you for your continued support and engagement with our content; and if this article fooled you even for a second, please consider registering in COL 131 at William Jewell College offered during the upcoming fall semester. 

Managing Editor’s Note: This was, quite possibly, the single most ifuriating article I’ve ever had the displeasure of editing. Strong words coming from an open fan of Olivia Rodriguez, no? You aboslute poser. And for the record, I can name three Testament songs now.

This year on the Hill, men’s fashion has been turning heads and serving looks. Although online classes have reduced the number of students on campus, this has been a hot season for fashion. Most notably, the classic slide and sock combo has emerged as a staple item. It fits all weather and social occasions, making it a stylish and comfortable paring. 

In the hair category, mullets have made a comeback from the ‘80s, making a strong appearance on Jewell’s campus. Even though it’s no longer cuffing season, there is no denying that getting a mullet is a sure-fire method to getting a hot date.

The cold front this school year produced many wintertime looks that are fashion-forward and practical. Shorts made a huge splash this summer as the men on campus opted for wardrobe choices that prioritized warmth during the below-freezing temperatures. 

On track with the weather-based fashion statements, pit vipers have been adopted for their great sun protection qualities and classy look. It’s refreshing to see that the men on campus are prioritizing responsible eye protection, all while looking subtle at the same time. 

10) Claire Henry as Joey King

9) Ishmial “Juice” Mitchel as Polo G

8) Lauren Ledbetter as Ellen Pompeo

7) Peter Haynes as Coach Louis Cortes

6) Jaxon McFarland as Robert Pattinson

5) Kylie Phipps as Lil Huddy

4) Mario Magana as Bruno Mars

3) Haleigh Borich as Shailene Woodley

2) Alex Williams as Ernie from Sesame Street

1) Gray Paholke as DaBaby

This advice is not for the faint of heart. Being a GIRLBOSS is harder than anything in the world. Being a GIRLBOSS is more than just a practice, more than just a mentality – it is a way of being that is lived in. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual commitment that is every day affirmed by your gatekeeping, girlbossing, gaslighting actions. The true GIRLBOSS doesn’t just pump up the jam. The true GIRLBOSS is the jam. 

You might think that this advice piece is exclusionary. To be a girlboss, doesn’t one have to be a girl? No! I am not a girl. The only girl I am is a GIRLBOSS. It is all in the attitude, baby. If you are ready to adopt this way of life, then read on. 

The girlboss knows that being a girlboss is tough work. Therefore, one has to be in peak physical condition at all times in order to be on top of the game. I personally achieve this by constantly challenging my body. If I make it too easy on myself to remain healthy, my body will become complacent. I make sure to eat an inordinate amount of Ruffles every day to countermeasure my otherwise healthy eating habits. You wanna keep your digestive system on its toes. 

Think of it like this: imagine that you’re the quarterback and your digestive tract is the running back. Sometimes, as the quarterback, you wanna totally confuse your running back to make sure that the running back knows who is boss and is always ready to be surprised. Sometimes that means handing the ball to the enemy team. The betrayal will keep the relationship healthy. You win more games this way! Score. 

It’s important to keep your body and your mind fit. Therefore, I set aside two hours before bed-time exclusively for mind exercises. This way, I exhaust my brain to the extent that I can finally fall asleep. Otherwise, the crushing weight of my never-ending thought train impedes my sleep. Such is the burden of being a GIRLBOSS. 

Regardless, my mind exercises are strenuous. I lay on the floor and close my eyes. I begin by envisioning a cube in my mind. I examine this cube carefully in my mind’s eye, searching diligently for imperfections. I have gotten very good at conjuring a cube, and so I no longer conjure up imperfect cubes. You might even say that I approximate the Form of Cubeness. After feeling satisfied that my cube is grade-A material, I begin turning the cube in my mind’s eye. I imagine the cube to be very heavy, and so turning it involves a great deal of concentration. I continue turning the cube this way and that way for the next two hours until I begin to feel sick. After this nauseating experience, I am ready for bed and clamber shakingly into my dorm mattress. 

Sometimes the cube exercises get a little too intense for me, and I can no longer lift my head from the floor. I know that this is because I have skipped the mind exercises for too long and have been remiss in my girlboss duties. Therefore, I deserve to sleep on the floor. This is my own weakness gatekeeping me from the privilege of my bed. Such is the burden of being a GIRLBOSS. 

Part of being a girlboss is about having a look that communicates to people that you’re straight business. You want a look that cuts. You want people to have to wear shades in order to look at you. You want people to look at you and say, “That girl has the right allocation. That girl has good dividends. She’s touring the facility. She’s picking up slack.”

Really, it’s all in the shoes. For a look that screams no-nonsense, top-dog energy, I would recommend the shoes in AVAVAV’s Firenze collection. Sure they’re expensive, but aren’t you committed to this girlboss ideal? However, if that’s too expensive for you, I recommend something from the Dolls Kill website, such as the Chomp N’ Stomp Platform sandals. 

One final aspect of being a girlboss that gets missed a lot in some of the subpar articles out there is the networking aspect of girl-bossing. You can’t be a girlboss if there is no one to boss! You want to interact with other people (obviously while practicing COVID-19 safety guidelines) in such a way as to enable the possibilities of a Hegelian master-slave dialectic to take place. 

As a girlboss, your job is to get everyone to reflect back your self to yourself in a way that you want. People should tell you that you are cool, fun and exciting because you have defeated them in the battle for who will be the dominant friend in the friendship. 

I think it is so silly to think that people will enter interpersonal relationships for the purposes of such things like closeness, human connection, love and yadda yadda. We all know why we are all here. It’s because we want other people to buy us marbles. I’m not losing this arms race to create a global marble empire. I won’t be fooled into buying marbles for other people. I’ll never let my guard down. I’ll never say where I keep my marble stash. And that’s what really makes me a true GIRLBOSS.