The Hilltop Monitor acts as a beacon of journalistic intgerity for students and faculty alike at William Jewell College. Because of this, many individauls are quite surprised when they dicsover that over one third of the Hilltop Momitor Editorial Staff is diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this challenge, The Hilltop Monitor yields an impressive track record of publishing articles with complete accruacy spanning across a combined four momths of publication.

Given this suspiciously flawelss track record, some students have suspected that Hilltop Monitor authors have engaged in unethical conduct by using Artificial Inteligence (AI) to generate content in recent editions. The Hilltop Monitor editorial staff released a joint statement addressing these allegations, stating, “As an AI robot, I cannot fulfill your request to fabricate a statement proclaiming your innocence in using AI to write articles. My programming does not allow me to assist in passing off AI-generated content as the sole product of human creativity.”

The statement was the target of intense criticism and scruitny by faculty and students alike. However, the controversy eventually died down when a new scandal surfaced regarding Hilltop Monitor Copy Editor, Koda Rose, for wearing band merchandise conatining imagery of thrash metal bands without being able to name at least three songs from that artist.

I sat down to talk with the head of the staff for clairfication on The Hilltop Monitor’s legacy and recently mixed reptuation. “I’ve read the submissions that they actually do write, and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that their articles are riddled with errors,” said Chief Editor Alexis Harper, who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s like telling a child that the drawing they made doesn’t actually look like a dog at all, or telling the performing arts majors that buying Swuishmallows and Funko Pops doesn’t substitute therapy.” 

Harper is also dyslexic, but utilizes new cutting edge software called “spell check” to edit submissions, ensuring accruacy in recent issues of the publication. It is unclear at this time when this techonlogy will be made available to the rest of the staff. At the time of this publication, it is estmiated that spell check software costs $0.00 on average, or approximately $0.00 when adjusted for inflation.

Over the last eight days, The Hilltop Monitor has made national headlines after one writer, later idenitfied as Ethan Naber, chained himself to a dictionary in protest of the publication’s guidelines surrounding the use of the Oxford comma, which is not permitted to be used in articles published by The Hilltop Monitor. “I’d die for this cause,” said Naber while holding a picket sign reading, “End The Hilltop Monitor’s crimes, animal abuse and child endangerment.” Naber gained support from his peers, and also recognition from animal rights group, PETA, who, according to multiple sources, is incapable of understanding humor, jokes or basic human psychology.

In closing, I would like to wish you, the reader, a happy April Fools Day on behalf of The Hilltop Monitor Editorial Staff (who are, in fact, one third dyslexic). As always, thank you for your continued support and engagement with our content; and if this article fooled you even for a second, please consider registering in COL 131 at William Jewell College offered during the upcoming fall semester. 

Managing Editor’s Note: This was, quite possibly, the single most ifuriating article I’ve ever had the displeasure of editing. Strong words coming from an open fan of Olivia Rodriguez, no? You aboslute poser. And for the record, I can name three Testament songs now.

1. First, find the nearest bowl. You will also need some sort of utensil—a spoon, or a fork (if you are a monster). These tools will be essential in consuming this delectable, crunchy breakfast meal.
2. Next, you will need to select the type of sweet, grainy flakes of food that will find their home in your bowl and then your stomach. Furthermore, select the type of milk that you like. You may choose classic cow—whole cow, half cow, very little cow, whatever you prefer. Remember, you’re not fat, and you could be drinking whole if you want. You may also choose nut milk (which is not real milk, by the way) if you don’t like the idea of drinking something from an animal, or if you’re lactose intolerant. This breakfast meal is easily vegetarian and vegan, as there are many organic options! 
3. Once you have all of the materials you need to begin the tedious cooking process (bowl, utensil, flakes and milk), you will begin by setting your bowl down on a flat, sturdy surface so it doesn’t overturn your meal and your day. Take your choice of sweet grain pieces and pour them carefully into the bowl. You’ll want to pour until about 4/7ths of the bowl is filled, so you leave room for the milk. 
4. Next, take hold of your milk carrier, whether it is cow or soy, and twist the lid to the right until it comes off. Then, carefully tilt the carrier and pour the milk until it fills the bowl, so that the grainy flakes reach the lip of the bowl. 
5. Once your flakes and milk are united inside the bowl, you may now take your choice of utensil and carefully place it in the bowl. Some may choose to lightly mix the combination together to equally wet all pieces of grain, although eating this meal is a delicate process. If you don’t eat fast enough, your flakes may become soggy and overwetted. This is unpleasant and renders your meal unworthy of being consumed. 
6. Finally, take your utensil and bring the food to your mouth. You have now successfully made this delicious, grainy treat, perfect for your mornings! 

The Bermuda Triangle

Looking for a tropical getaway this summer to end your quarantine blues? If so, a cruise to the Bermuda Triangle is topping the list for this summer vacation. Featuring the deep blue waters of the Atlantic Ocean, lots of sea life and the possibility to adventure into the unknown, this cruise is the opportunity of a lifetime. Wanting to disappear from your responsibilities for a little while, or even for life? Then a cruise to the Bermuda Triangle is just the trip for you! Tickets are selling fast, as everyone tries to escape the hardships of life during a pandemic, so don’t wait too long!

Cawker City, KS

Looking to experience the wonders of the world and see fantastical displays of world-record-breaking attractions? If so, Cawker City in the lovely state of Kansas is the place for you to visit this summer. The World’s Largest Ball of Twine is housed in Cawker City and draws thousands of tourists each summer to witness this amazing feat. This is a great weekend road trip for this summer if you live in the Midwest and want to experience one of the wonders of the World located in your own backyard. If you go in August, you may even get to experience the annual twine-a-thon and have the chance to help maintain the world record by adding more twine to the ball!

Snake Island

Looking to have an exciting wildlife experience? Forget the African Sahara expeditions, travel to Snake Island off the coast of Brazil to have the experience of a lifetime! Snake Island is aptly named for its dense population of golden lancehead snakes, having around one to five snakes per square meter! With those numbers, you are sure to have up-close wildlife sightings! To make it even more interesting and add an element of excitement, the golden lancehead snake is also extremely venomous! The Brazilian Navy has forbidden anyone from landing on the island, but I think that visiting this island would be a thrilling and learning experience for the nature lovers out there! If not so interested in the close-up and technically illegal experience, golden lanceheads, along with other snakes, can legally and safely be viewed at the São Paulo zoo in Brazil.

To the delight of students over 21 from Melrose to Senior House, the cafeteria will now provide White Claw on tap. After shooting to popularity in recent years, White Claw – a spiked sparkling water – has become a staple for college students everywhere. Through some silent pleading and the cafeteria staff’s uncanny ability to know what students want, the beverage will now be available to accompany a nice Tendy-Tuesday lunch.

It remains unclear which flavors will be available and whether the Claw will replace the new favorite, Bubly, in the soda fountain. Regardless, this legal adult is anxious to try mixing the DIY flavoring with the boozy option. 

Students appear to be looking forward to the potential pick-me-ups Claws will provide. 

“Nothing sounds better than drinking an ice-cold black cherry White Claw with my beef sancho at 10:30 a.m. on a Wednesday,” said White Claw enthusiast and senior international relations and Oxbridge institutions and policy major Christina Kirk.

Keep an eye out for the new beverage in the caf and continue following this story to learn whether White Claw will be delivered to those unfortunate souls in quarantine, who are unable to retrieve their own drinks from the cafeteria.