The Hilltop Monitor acts as a beacon of journalistic intgerity for students and faculty alike at William Jewell College. Because of this, many individauls are quite surprised when they dicsover that over one third of the Hilltop Momitor Editorial Staff is diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this challenge, The Hilltop Monitor yields an impressive track record of publishing articles with complete accruacy spanning across a combined four momths of publication.

Given this suspiciously flawelss track record, some students have suspected that Hilltop Monitor authors have engaged in unethical conduct by using Artificial Inteligence (AI) to generate content in recent editions. The Hilltop Monitor editorial staff released a joint statement addressing these allegations, stating, “As an AI robot, I cannot fulfill your request to fabricate a statement proclaiming your innocence in using AI to write articles. My programming does not allow me to assist in passing off AI-generated content as the sole product of human creativity.”

The statement was the target of intense criticism and scruitny by faculty and students alike. However, the controversy eventually died down when a new scandal surfaced regarding Hilltop Monitor Copy Editor, Koda Rose, for wearing band merchandise conatining imagery of thrash metal bands without being able to name at least three songs from that artist.

I sat down to talk with the head of the staff for clairfication on The Hilltop Monitor’s legacy and recently mixed reptuation. “I’ve read the submissions that they actually do write, and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that their articles are riddled with errors,” said Chief Editor Alexis Harper, who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s like telling a child that the drawing they made doesn’t actually look like a dog at all, or telling the performing arts majors that buying Swuishmallows and Funko Pops doesn’t substitute therapy.” 

Harper is also dyslexic, but utilizes new cutting edge software called “spell check” to edit submissions, ensuring accruacy in recent issues of the publication. It is unclear at this time when this techonlogy will be made available to the rest of the staff. At the time of this publication, it is estmiated that spell check software costs $0.00 on average, or approximately $0.00 when adjusted for inflation.

Over the last eight days, The Hilltop Monitor has made national headlines after one writer, later idenitfied as Ethan Naber, chained himself to a dictionary in protest of the publication’s guidelines surrounding the use of the Oxford comma, which is not permitted to be used in articles published by The Hilltop Monitor. “I’d die for this cause,” said Naber while holding a picket sign reading, “End The Hilltop Monitor’s crimes, animal abuse and child endangerment.” Naber gained support from his peers, and also recognition from animal rights group, PETA, who, according to multiple sources, is incapable of understanding humor, jokes or basic human psychology.

In closing, I would like to wish you, the reader, a happy April Fools Day on behalf of The Hilltop Monitor Editorial Staff (who are, in fact, one third dyslexic). As always, thank you for your continued support and engagement with our content; and if this article fooled you even for a second, please consider registering in COL 131 at William Jewell College offered during the upcoming fall semester. 

Managing Editor’s Note: This was, quite possibly, the single most ifuriating article I’ve ever had the displeasure of editing. Strong words coming from an open fan of Olivia Rodriguez, no? You aboslute poser. And for the record, I can name three Testament songs now.

In a time-honored tradition at William Jewell College, the student body collectively votes for superlative awards for different majors in the different academic programs offered at Jewell. The most recent vote was held last week, and the awards for each program are listed below.

Accounting: Biggest Personalities

ACT-In: Least Likely to Be a Double Major

Biochemistry: Least Likely to Go on a Medical Mission Trip

Biology: Most Sane

Business Administration: Most Hardworking

Chemistry: Most Likely to Follow Lab Safety Protocol

Civil Engineering: Least Likely to Wear a Neon Yellow Vest

Communication: Most Likely to Win the Faculty Award

Data Science: Most Explainable Major

Digital Media Communication: Hardest Major

Economics: Least Likely to Be Concerned About the Suez Canal Blockage

Education: Most Likely to Earn a Six-Figure Income

English: Best Postgrad Job Prospects

French: Most Popular Major

History: Least Likely to Check out a Library Book

Mathematics: Most Likely to Know How to Write an Essay

Music Education: Least Likely to Be Heard in the PLC

Nonprofit Leadership: Most Likely to be the CEOs of a Fortune 500 Company

Nursing: Least Likely to Complain About the Amount of Work They Have

Oxbridge: Most Humble

Philosophy: Most Coherent

Physics: Most Social

Political Science: Most Likely to Get Elected

Psychological Science: Most Emotionally Stable

Spanish: Least Likely to Talk About Their Study Abroad Experience

Swim Team: Least Cult-Like

Theatre: Most Laid Back

Congratulations, Cardinals!

This advice is not for the faint of heart. Being a GIRLBOSS is harder than anything in the world. Being a GIRLBOSS is more than just a practice, more than just a mentality – it is a way of being that is lived in. It is an emotional, physical and spiritual commitment that is every day affirmed by your gatekeeping, girlbossing, gaslighting actions. The true GIRLBOSS doesn’t just pump up the jam. The true GIRLBOSS is the jam. 

You might think that this advice piece is exclusionary. To be a girlboss, doesn’t one have to be a girl? No! I am not a girl. The only girl I am is a GIRLBOSS. It is all in the attitude, baby. If you are ready to adopt this way of life, then read on. 

The girlboss knows that being a girlboss is tough work. Therefore, one has to be in peak physical condition at all times in order to be on top of the game. I personally achieve this by constantly challenging my body. If I make it too easy on myself to remain healthy, my body will become complacent. I make sure to eat an inordinate amount of Ruffles every day to countermeasure my otherwise healthy eating habits. You wanna keep your digestive system on its toes. 

Think of it like this: imagine that you’re the quarterback and your digestive tract is the running back. Sometimes, as the quarterback, you wanna totally confuse your running back to make sure that the running back knows who is boss and is always ready to be surprised. Sometimes that means handing the ball to the enemy team. The betrayal will keep the relationship healthy. You win more games this way! Score. 

It’s important to keep your body and your mind fit. Therefore, I set aside two hours before bed-time exclusively for mind exercises. This way, I exhaust my brain to the extent that I can finally fall asleep. Otherwise, the crushing weight of my never-ending thought train impedes my sleep. Such is the burden of being a GIRLBOSS. 

Regardless, my mind exercises are strenuous. I lay on the floor and close my eyes. I begin by envisioning a cube in my mind. I examine this cube carefully in my mind’s eye, searching diligently for imperfections. I have gotten very good at conjuring a cube, and so I no longer conjure up imperfect cubes. You might even say that I approximate the Form of Cubeness. After feeling satisfied that my cube is grade-A material, I begin turning the cube in my mind’s eye. I imagine the cube to be very heavy, and so turning it involves a great deal of concentration. I continue turning the cube this way and that way for the next two hours until I begin to feel sick. After this nauseating experience, I am ready for bed and clamber shakingly into my dorm mattress. 

Sometimes the cube exercises get a little too intense for me, and I can no longer lift my head from the floor. I know that this is because I have skipped the mind exercises for too long and have been remiss in my girlboss duties. Therefore, I deserve to sleep on the floor. This is my own weakness gatekeeping me from the privilege of my bed. Such is the burden of being a GIRLBOSS. 

Part of being a girlboss is about having a look that communicates to people that you’re straight business. You want a look that cuts. You want people to have to wear shades in order to look at you. You want people to look at you and say, “That girl has the right allocation. That girl has good dividends. She’s touring the facility. She’s picking up slack.”

Really, it’s all in the shoes. For a look that screams no-nonsense, top-dog energy, I would recommend the shoes in AVAVAV’s Firenze collection. Sure they’re expensive, but aren’t you committed to this girlboss ideal? However, if that’s too expensive for you, I recommend something from the Dolls Kill website, such as the Chomp N’ Stomp Platform sandals. 

One final aspect of being a girlboss that gets missed a lot in some of the subpar articles out there is the networking aspect of girl-bossing. You can’t be a girlboss if there is no one to boss! You want to interact with other people (obviously while practicing COVID-19 safety guidelines) in such a way as to enable the possibilities of a Hegelian master-slave dialectic to take place. 

As a girlboss, your job is to get everyone to reflect back your self to yourself in a way that you want. People should tell you that you are cool, fun and exciting because you have defeated them in the battle for who will be the dominant friend in the friendship. 

I think it is so silly to think that people will enter interpersonal relationships for the purposes of such things like closeness, human connection, love and yadda yadda. We all know why we are all here. It’s because we want other people to buy us marbles. I’m not losing this arms race to create a global marble empire. I won’t be fooled into buying marbles for other people. I’ll never let my guard down. I’ll never say where I keep my marble stash. And that’s what really makes me a true GIRLBOSS. 

1. First, find the nearest bowl. You will also need some sort of utensil—a spoon, or a fork (if you are a monster). These tools will be essential in consuming this delectable, crunchy breakfast meal.
2. Next, you will need to select the type of sweet, grainy flakes of food that will find their home in your bowl and then your stomach. Furthermore, select the type of milk that you like. You may choose classic cow—whole cow, half cow, very little cow, whatever you prefer. Remember, you’re not fat, and you could be drinking whole if you want. You may also choose nut milk (which is not real milk, by the way) if you don’t like the idea of drinking something from an animal, or if you’re lactose intolerant. This breakfast meal is easily vegetarian and vegan, as there are many organic options! 
3. Once you have all of the materials you need to begin the tedious cooking process (bowl, utensil, flakes and milk), you will begin by setting your bowl down on a flat, sturdy surface so it doesn’t overturn your meal and your day. Take your choice of sweet grain pieces and pour them carefully into the bowl. You’ll want to pour until about 4/7ths of the bowl is filled, so you leave room for the milk. 
4. Next, take hold of your milk carrier, whether it is cow or soy, and twist the lid to the right until it comes off. Then, carefully tilt the carrier and pour the milk until it fills the bowl, so that the grainy flakes reach the lip of the bowl. 
5. Once your flakes and milk are united inside the bowl, you may now take your choice of utensil and carefully place it in the bowl. Some may choose to lightly mix the combination together to equally wet all pieces of grain, although eating this meal is a delicate process. If you don’t eat fast enough, your flakes may become soggy and overwetted. This is unpleasant and renders your meal unworthy of being consumed. 
6. Finally, take your utensil and bring the food to your mouth. You have now successfully made this delicious, grainy treat, perfect for your mornings!