Photo by Vitaly Gariev via Uplash.

It’s going to be quite a Thanksgiving this year, considering the current political landscape! If, like me, you really just want to eat some good home-cooked food with family and friends, here are some helpful tips for staying on top of arguments and keeping your Thanksgiving from getting too controversial.

Is your beloved family member going on a rant about how the Harris-Walz campaign was actually a coverup for the fact that climate change was deepfaked to make the moon landing more plausible? Consider approaching the matter with tactical evasion by roaring, “WOW. THIS PUMPKIN PIE IS DELICIOUS!” and glaring directly into their eyes while stabbing Nana’s award-winning hand-kneaded flaky pie crust hard enough to tear through the paper plate. If the subject is not dropped, you may consider forcefully serving your relative a helping of food, refusing to set down the serving knife. You should follow this up by gesturing at the food and repeatedly asking, “Isn’t Aunt Gertrude’s bean casserole just the highlight of your year?” As a physiological need, food is at the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and by fulfilling your relative’s basic desire for sustenance, you can de-escalate any political tension and make them feel loved and comforted.

Are you listening in disbelief to your ancient uncle’s Ted Talk about “post-birth abortion” and how “the left is grooming our kids to become vegan illegal immigrants who use our tax dollars to get sex reassignment surgeries?” I highly recommend vaulting onto the table and rubbing soggy stuffing into his hair while berserkly screaming gibberish. Everyone needs a little attention sometimes; this will gain his respect, help him feel warm and cuddly inside and steer the conversation to more constructive pathways.

Have you been dreading someone bringing up “mass deportation” or “illegal criminals,” but feel that the dinner conversation is quickly veering in a somewhat xenophobic direction? A great way to keep this situation under control is by slithering under the table and gently tickling people’s knees. “They’re coming for your jobses, precious!” you can tell them in your best Gollum voice from below their femurs. This is a great motto that your family will assuredly find meaningful.

Is your feeble grandmother using her last dregs of energy to aggressively declare that “more guns in schools would prevent mass shootings?” I recommend knocking over your chair and pitchily playing “Pumped Up Kicks” on the bagpipes while dancing an energetic Highland Fling. Generally, this will defuse the argument and leave your dear grandparent pacified and chuckling gently. I, at least, have personally found this tactic helpful.

Are all your male friends and relatives discussing “trans rights and men in women’s sports” while tugging on their impressive beards, no doubt sponsored by Black Rifle Coffee Co.? A tried-and-true method of keeping the conversation reasonable is to loudly cough every time anyone says anything you find especially unconstructive. If people throw you annoyed looks, it often helps to roll your eyes and say, “So sorry, I’m allergic to DUMB!” Men are naturally sensitive to people with allergies and intolerances and will generally do their best to kindly accommodate your biological peculiarities. Chivalry isn’t dead but sometimes you have to give it a little hint.

Helpful tip! Carry a large red button that says “NUKES” on it. This way, if anyone mentions current military conflicts during your idyllic and peaceful holiday meal, you can pull it out and slap it repeatedly while smiling widely and making explosion sounds. This is a great way to subtly signal that you prefer not to discuss these issues at the dinner table. If you catch someone giving you an odd look, be sure to mention that your nuke button is 100% prisoner-of-war made and therefore completely free!

Is your pale, high school dropout aunt making some less-than-accurate points about “Critical Race Theory in schools” and “perverting children?” A great idea for placating the situation here is to scurry off, return with an oversized baseball bat and gently bonk her over the head. Generally, the reason many women come up with opinions they don’t completely understand is because they have used Clinton-era, safety-recalled hairspray, which contains certain brain-altering toxins like cocaine and asbestos. By using your oversized baseball bat to ruin her hairdo, you will break her out of her daze. She will thank you over and over, of course, and the rest of Thanksgiving should go by with nothing but joy and happiness.

Has your chronically twitchy mother read something about “the jab” on her flat-earth Facebook group? Pull out a full-sized, hand-crafted, steel-bladed Spanish rapier and suggest a free, on-the-spot essential oil injection activity to help your family and friends experience more natural astral vibrations. I’ve often learned that in order to reroute the conversation, but still keep it from being all about yourself, it’s a great idea to sacrificially and genuinely offer something to the other person. Generosity never fails to warm hearts. Even your most stoic relative may have a tear in their eye once you’ve finished your DIY medical malpractice.

My last pro tip: if anyone brings religion into politics at all, have two pieces of bread on hand. This way, you can slap the bread onto either side of their face and scream at them that disregarding the separation of church and state, according to federal law, makes them an idiot sandwich. Everyone loves sandwiches, so this will be a sugar-coated approach to calming them down and helping them realize their mistake, leading to a more constructive interaction.

Of course, no matter your political opinions, it’s not acceptable to incite violence, even on friends and family. Sometimes you just have to let people have their own opinions and refrain from feeling that you always have to prove yourself right or convince everyone around you of your beliefs. Avoiding engagement entirely can really help your mental health stay steady, even if it means you have to listen to opinions you don’t agree with. If you want your political opinions to matter, there are ways to do that – the International Center on Nonviolent Conflict recommends marches, boycotts, walkouts, petitions, strikes and statements among others – but arguing during the holiday break is likely not going to change anything. 

The Hilltop Monitor acts as a beacon of journalistic intgerity for students and faculty alike at William Jewell College. Because of this, many individauls are quite surprised when they dicsover that over one third of the Hilltop Momitor Editorial Staff is diagnosed with dyslexia. Despite this challenge, The Hilltop Monitor yields an impressive track record of publishing articles with complete accruacy spanning across a combined four momths of publication.

Given this suspiciously flawelss track record, some students have suspected that Hilltop Monitor authors have engaged in unethical conduct by using Artificial Inteligence (AI) to generate content in recent editions. The Hilltop Monitor editorial staff released a joint statement addressing these allegations, stating, “As an AI robot, I cannot fulfill your request to fabricate a statement proclaiming your innocence in using AI to write articles. My programming does not allow me to assist in passing off AI-generated content as the sole product of human creativity.”

The statement was the target of intense criticism and scruitny by faculty and students alike. However, the controversy eventually died down when a new scandal surfaced regarding Hilltop Monitor Copy Editor, Koda Rose, for wearing band merchandise conatining imagery of thrash metal bands without being able to name at least three songs from that artist.

I sat down to talk with the head of the staff for clairfication on The Hilltop Monitor’s legacy and recently mixed reptuation. “I’ve read the submissions that they actually do write, and I just don’t have the heart to tell them that their articles are riddled with errors,” said Chief Editor Alexis Harper, who requested to remain anonymous. “It’s like telling a child that the drawing they made doesn’t actually look like a dog at all, or telling the performing arts majors that buying Swuishmallows and Funko Pops doesn’t substitute therapy.” 

Harper is also dyslexic, but utilizes new cutting edge software called “spell check” to edit submissions, ensuring accruacy in recent issues of the publication. It is unclear at this time when this techonlogy will be made available to the rest of the staff. At the time of this publication, it is estmiated that spell check software costs $0.00 on average, or approximately $0.00 when adjusted for inflation.

Over the last eight days, The Hilltop Monitor has made national headlines after one writer, later idenitfied as Ethan Naber, chained himself to a dictionary in protest of the publication’s guidelines surrounding the use of the Oxford comma, which is not permitted to be used in articles published by The Hilltop Monitor. “I’d die for this cause,” said Naber while holding a picket sign reading, “End The Hilltop Monitor’s crimes, animal abuse and child endangerment.” Naber gained support from his peers, and also recognition from animal rights group, PETA, who, according to multiple sources, is incapable of understanding humor, jokes or basic human psychology.

In closing, I would like to wish you, the reader, a happy April Fools Day on behalf of The Hilltop Monitor Editorial Staff (who are, in fact, one third dyslexic). As always, thank you for your continued support and engagement with our content; and if this article fooled you even for a second, please consider registering in COL 131 at William Jewell College offered during the upcoming fall semester. 

Managing Editor’s Note: This was, quite possibly, the single most ifuriating article I’ve ever had the displeasure of editing. Strong words coming from an open fan of Olivia Rodriguez, no? You aboslute poser. And for the record, I can name three Testament songs now.

When I think of former Attorney General Jeff Sessions, I do not think of specific policies he supported or news articles about him. The only thing I think about is Kate McKinnon impersonating an opossum.  As a college student with little motivation to read news articles in addition to my homework – and a lot of motivation to watch some YouTube “Saturday Night Live” clips as a form of procrastination – a large amount of my weekly political intake comes from the long-running Saturday sketch comedy show. 

In the case of Jeff Sessions, that means I’ve seen more of Kate McKinnon acting as a weasley, rodent-toothed caricature of the politician than I have of the man himself. I have never watched an interview with Donald Trump Jr. or Eric Trump, yet their bit on “Weekend Update” is one of my favorites. In it, Trump Jr. is portrayed as a smooth-talking, grandiose babysitter for his childlike brother. Do I understand that “SNL” is a satirical comedy program meant solely to entertain, not inform? Of course. Have these skits shaped my perception of political figures? You better believe it. 

When McKinnon portrayed White House senior adviser Kellyanne Conway in an “IT” spoof, I went from thinking she was a laughably harmless Trump-worshipper to a dangerous manipulator. These sketches do have the power to shape public opinion, which has caused President Trump to call out “SNL.” 

“Nothing funny about tired Saturday Night Live on Fake News NBC! Question is, how do the Networks get away with these total Republican hit jobs without retribution?” tweeted Trump Feb. 17. 

While I understand that the impersonations of political figures and events on “SNL” can skew public opinion and should not be taken as fact, Trump got this one completely wrong. Political satire is a key component of our democratic system. We use humor to express opinion, call out real issues in our government and encourage people that dissent is accepted. Endangering the writers’ freedom of speech by threatening retribution for a little comedic teasing is deplorable.

The second thing that Trump got wrong is mentioning “Fake News” NBC. This automatically equates “SNL” with news – which it’s not. It does not claim to be a news program. Yes, sometimes “SNL” is the only news that I get, but that’s my fault. It’s no fault of the show or its writers. We cannot blame SNL for our political apathy. 

The third thing that Trump’s tweet got wrong is saying that it isn’t funny. It’s funny. Even former Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who Tina Fey portrayed in a completely unfavorable way, embraced the mocking and appeared on the show in a sketch about herself. Politicians need to be able to make fun of themselves, same as all celebrities who get impersonated on the show in often embarrassing ways. 

Trump appears narcissistic when he criticizes the performances of himself. “SNL” sketches aren’t supposed to be accurate – although the more accurate they become, the more concerning our current political climate becomes. If actual words spoken by the president can be spoken verbatim in a comedy sketch and be outrageously funny, we have a problem. 

The Washington Post did a side-by-side comparison of Trump’s emergency declaration and Alec Baldwin’s impersonation of his declaration on “SNL.” The sketch was a little closer to reality than caricature, which was unsettling. The day we can watch “Saturday Night Live” instead of watching the 6 o’clock news is a day I hope never comes – and I have to remind myself that that day has not come. 

We cannot use “Saturday Night Live” as a substitute for real reporting. It’s a television show, a spoof, a work of fiction. Jeff Sessions is not a rodent. Eric Trump knows how to read. 

We also cannot stifle the show’s writers by forcing them to write stuff that pleases everybody – especially not the politicians they impersonate. We can’t make them treat every person fairly or represent Republicans and Democrats with the same frequency. If they had to be perfectly unbiased, factual and flattering, their creativity would rot away and the show wouldn’t be funny. An “SNL” episode that doesn’t toe the line of what’s acceptable at least once is not a true “SNL” episode. 

Some people believe “Saturday Night Live” has gotten too political, but one or two political sketches per episode doesn’t seem like too much politics to me. While these sketches can’t stand on their own as information, they encourage me to Google the events they are based on to check and see how much is accurate. In this way, I actually – and ashamedly – become more informed by watching “SNL.” 

Maybe you think “SNL” is too political because it doesn’t align with your politics. It might offend you or make you uncomfortable, in which case I’d say good. Getting offended every once in a while is healthy for our political climate. It encourages us to ask why we are offended, to better understand our own views and why we hold those views. What does what we get offended about say about our values? 

For me, “Saturday Night Live’s” value should not be about its ability to inform the public. It should be about its ability to entertain the public and encourage viewers to discuss typically taboo political topics. Most importantly, “SNL” is there to make us laugh and think about why we’re laughing.