We’ve all heard plenty of advice on what to do to manage stress. We may have even actually learned from that advice and figured out how to keep our own stress levels in check. However, this advice can’t prepare us for another particularly stressful situation: when our friends are stressed out. 

Our cortisol levels are likely to increase when we’re around stressed people, resulting in a condition called second-hand stress. When the people around you are worried about school, post-grad life or some other anxiety-inducing situation, it can be tough to know the right thing to say or do to help them feel better. Here are a few tips to try to help the stressed-out people around you – both for their mental health and your own. 

It’s important to recognize when a friend is dealing with normal stress and when the issue is something more serious. We all deal with stressful weeks, but if you notice major changes in a friend’s personality, sleeping or eating patterns for longer than a few weeks, you may want to encourage them to see a counselor. William Jewell College’s free counseling services are a great tool for anyone to utilize. The following tips are all for helping a friend with typical stress, not a more serious mental health concern. 

When a friend is stressed out, it’s important to listen to them without adding your own stresses to the mix. Don’t tell them about the massive test you have tomorrow or how few hours of sleep you got last night. It’s not a competition. While you may think you’re helping them feel better about how they have it easier than you, in actuality it will just make them feel like you aren’t interested in listening to their problems. 

If your friend tells you about something difficult they’re dealing with, your first instinct might be to fix the problem. It’s natural to want to provide solutions to your friend, but these solutions might not be wanted. Before you give advice, ask your friend if they want help or if they’re in the mood to just vent. If they just want to vent, respect their request. If they want advice, feel free to bestow all of your abundant knowledge upon them. 

Sometimes, if a friend is stressed about school, what they really need is time to get homework done. If they seem to be in the middle of a big assignment or studying for a test, don’t interrupt them. Give them space. If your roommate seems stressed about school, be sure to be courteous and keep the noise to a minimum. 

When your friend is in a tough situation, doing small acts that show you care can make a big difference. Write them a note or pick up their favorite coffee order. If they are your roommate, make their bed for them one morning or clean the bathroom – but make sure they are okay with you touching their stuff first. Coming back to a clean environment can be a great stress reliever. 

The most important thing for helping stressed-out friends is making sure they know you care. If they have a big test on Wednesday morning, be sure to text them Wednesday afternoon to ask how it went. People like to know that their friends listen and remember details about their lives. Oftentimes, there’s nothing tangible that you can do to make someone else’s stress go away, but you can always make them feel loved and supported.

Second-hand stress affects many college students. It’s okay to take a breather if being around a stressed friend is too much for you to handle. Your friends should respect if you need some alone time. Our stress levels vary from day to day, and if you and a friend are overwhelmed at the same time, there is nothing wrong with spending a few days apart.

Everyone needs their person who they turn to when they’re stressed out, and it can get exhausting if you are that person for everyone. Make sure you also have people in your life who are there to listen to you. 

We all know how tough it can be to know how to best help a stressed friend. By knowing your limits, being a good listener and letting your friend know you’re there to help, you can improve your stress levels and the stress levels of the people around you. 

Before I begin talking about friendship, I would like to give a disclaimer. My experiences, and the experiences of the people I have interviewed, are not universal. These reflections on how friendships change do not necessarily relate to how everyone else’s friendships change – though perhaps my general comments and the interviews I’ve conducted will help you, dear reader, understand the nature of your changing friendships.

I have interviewed people to find out about three different kinds of friends – high school friends, college friends and roommates. The interviews provide a characterization of the different kinds of friendships that we can use to compare the friendships to each other.

Before getting into this characterization of friendship, I want to make some comments concerning the nature of college, for understanding the nature of college will help us understand how it is that college itself affects friendships.

College is an intense time for all of us. The change from living in your hometown with your family to moving to a totally new environment without – or with very little – familial support can be very stressful. Furthermore, we also have to adjust to a change in workload. But one of the biggest changes is your friend group. You go from being in a group of teenagers trying to find their stride in their formative years to being a young adult creating the building blocks of your life. The connections you make in college can feel very different from the ones in high school.

I first decided to approach a high school friend and ask her about her opinions on high school friendships. She described high school friends as those that she sits and “has lunch with.” She also says hi to those friends in the hallway and engages in some pleasant small talk with them.
When asked about how her friendships in high school had changed, my friend said that she does not really talk to them anymore. She said, “Instagram is enough to know about each other’s lives.”

From my friend’s statements, it seemed to me as though most people don’t have a special connection with their high school friends. However, when I compare these statements with my experiences of friendship in college, it becomes clear to me that I am closer to my college friends and that I have a more meaningful experience with my friends in college. I don’t fully understand why, but I think part of it has to do with the amount of time that I spend with my college friends, as opposed to my high school friends.

For example, on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I have a biology class with my friends in it. That class meets for an hour each day, which means that I see my friends automatically for at least three hours a week, every week. Usually, my friends and I decide to work together to make sure that our homework is as accurate as possible, which means that I spend another three hours per week with my friends. This amounts to six hours total per week of contact with my friends.

Furthermore, if an individual has labs with a particular friend or other classes with that friend or if you just want to hang out with your friends on the weekends, then that bumps up the amount of time spent together anywhere from nine hours to 18 hours a week. If I had a boyfriend, I don’t think I would even spend that much time with him!

And what if your college friend happens to be your roommate? That means you probably see them around eight hours a day, or 74 hours a week. Your roommate might as well become your family.

I imagine that this seems like a huge amount of time to spend with your college friends. But, surprisingly, I never feel sick of them. I don’t want to sound cheesy, but I love every moment I have with them, and I think it’s worth my time to hang out with them – time is so expensive in college, I never get enough sleep.

Furthermore, I think that the structure of college classes is better because it gives people more opportunities to bond with each other. I think it’s so exciting to talk with a friend about what you just learned in class, and both of you can discuss these ideas to reach a better, shared understanding. I promise that when this happens, you will love class more because you understand what is going on a lot better. Or, it may be that the class sucks, and you can always trash it with your friend. Your friend wouldn’t mind. They probably hate it too. That’s why you’re friends!

In terms of roommates – it seems as though one spends a whole lot of time with one’s roommate. Even though not everyone feels the same way about their roommate, I think that my roommate and I will be friends forever. We all know that it can be really frustrating to live with a new person. However, my roommate and I chose to put all of the bad things aside, and not waste time fighting that we could be laughing together instead.

I think college friendships have introduced me to a new mindset: if you have a chance to get that close to a person, use it because you never know how lucky you are until it’s too late. Developing the ability to deal with conflict with your roommate and avoid spiraling into angry screaming fights will be useful for all your future relationships, romantic or not.

I’ll always remember this one day when I was walking back to the room, and when I opened the door to the dorm, my roommate said to me: “Oh my God, you know what’s crazy? You know when you can recognize your parents’ footsteps? I can recognize yours!”

The crazy part is that she has been living with me for only three weeks.

I’m sure that everyone thinks that college friendships are going to be defined by an insane amount of partying, or at least, by one party every weekend. While it is true that parties can definitely be part of the college friendship experience, this is definitely not the highlight of college friendships.

In college, you’ll spend your days guzzling excessive amounts of coffee and writing three essays a week. So your college friendships are likely going to reflect the need to maintain an academic schedule, and to maintain it sanely. College friends, then, are like little angels that help you get through everything difficult in college, which is what differentiates from the more superficial high school friend. Going through conflict strengthens friendships, trust me.

Greek life has an impactful and integral role in the community of William Jewell. While many may have preconceived notions of what it means to be apart of a sorority or fraternity, Greek life here at Jewell reinforces not only important values but life skills that extend beyond campus.

There are three sororities and three fraternities here at Jewell. The sororities consist of Alpha Gamma Delta, Delta Zeta and Zeta Tau Alpha, and the fraternities include Kappa Alpha, Phi Gamma Delta and Lambda Chi Alpha. Many of the organizations focus on philanthropy and promoting worthy causes in their local communities. Here at Jewell Greek life has a very different meaning and purpose than what one might traditionally think about Greek life. As a member of Delta Zeta, I can speak to the significance that Greek life has played in shaping me into a well-rounded individual.

When I first joined Greek life I was surprised by the immediate camaraderie that I felt and influence that such a strong and intelligent group of women had on me. As someone rather introverted it forced me outside of my comfort zone and I was beginning to interact with individuals from all different backgrounds.

I also was pushed to better myself in every facet of life. I admired and looked up to the older students who had seemed to navigate the often tumultuous nature of adulthood and college with nothing but grace. I had a support system and I feel that this had a monumental impact on my achievements here at Jewell. I also was actively involved in philanthropic events that helped to raise money and promote Delta Zeta’s philanthropy, which is the Starkey Hearing Foundation. 

Greek life at Jewell is also unique in that there are diverse groups of individuals in every chapter. I had friends that attended much larger schools who had participated in Greek life and they would often note that certain chapters were recognized by stereotypes.

Athletes or thespians would only be involved with one specific chapter whereas here at Jewell each sorority and fraternity has a diverse and collective mix of students involved in many different activities and programs on campus. I think this is one of the most beneficial and impactful things about being involved in Greek life at Jewell. I interact with individuals involved in things that I am not a part of like sports, theater or choir. 

Recruitment occurs at Jewell in the spring. While many larger universities conduct their recruitment in the fall, I think that recruitment in the spring allows students to acclimate to college life and their academics. As a first-year, I was playing a sport at the time and trying to get a handle on college classes and I felt that the stress of going through recruitment was lessened by having it in the spring.

I also did not have a conventional route to joining Greek life. I joined my sophomore year and I have experienced both Greek life and being independent as well. However, I still interacted with members of Greek life in my classes and throughout the nursing program. Jewell’s close-knit community made me feel that I still had friendships and camaraderie even if I wasn’t in Greek life. However, I wanted to go through recruitment again as a sophomore because I really felt like joining Greek life would provide me with a lot of amazing opportunities, and it has not let me down.

To be honest, I don’t think you should waste your time when it comes to friendships. Spend time with people who you want to spend time with. Spend time with people who help you grow. After many years of trying to make everyone happy, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s actually impossible. There’s simply no way to do it. So when it comes to your relationships, you shouldn’t forget to make yourself happy.

I often feel like I’m attempting to balance my time and energy between many different things: school, student organizations, friends, family, etc. I can’t help how much time I spend doing certain activities. For instance, I need to spend an inordinate amount of time doing homework and writing essays so I can stay in school. I need to spend so much time working on “The Hilltop Monitor” because I’m on scholarship and I can’t afford to lose that (granted, I enjoy both my schoolwork and the Monitor, but that’s besides the point). But something you can control is your relationships and friendships with people, and which ones you choose to devote time to.

At least for me, when I have a chance to be around my friends, it’s a luxury. Like many other Jewell students, when I come home after a long day of classes and student activities, all I want to do is take a shower, lie in bed and watch Netflix. So on the off chance I have some free time, I try and make a conscious effort to choose who I spend my time with. I’m not trying to suggest that my time is more precious than other people’s, but because all of our time is valuable and precious to us, we should spend it with friends who make us better people and who we enjoy being around.

College is not easy; in fact, it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. So when I get the opportunity to be around people I love and who love me, I take it. Friends should be centering, encouraging and supportive. Hanging out with someone shouldn’t feel forced or feel like a chore. I guess what I’m getting at is that we should all conscious of how we spend our time and we should appreciate the friendships we have because they are so, so special.