Are you pumped to gorge yourself on both food and entertainment this upcoming National Native Day of Mourning even as hundreds of thousands of Americans have lost their SNAP and food stamp benefits???!!! I sure am!!! I’m so glad you all found my last holiday article, in which I suggested some low-stress ways to keep conversations civil and nonpolitical, helpful. In fact, I hear that my tactics almost worked too well for many of you, accidentally causing a total hush as your entire family, overwhelmed with your wisdom, stopped speaking and silently meditated for the entirety of Thanksgiving dinner, striving for nirvana and completely ignoring both the big football game and Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If this situation sounds familiar, read on for my tried-and-true tips to turn any awkward silence into happy and zero-conflict family time!

Tip #1: Selecting a Topic 

The most important tip, of course, is to make sure you understand the balance between casual, low-stakes conversation and something that your family could be offended by or take personally. That’s why I always start with a pleasant, objectively true comment like, “Isn’t it beautiful weather? It’s so crisp and autumny outside!” or “Wow, isn’t it great that the Supreme Court declined to revisit Obergefell v. Hodges, protecting same-sex couples’ right to marriage?” Since these comments are both friendly remarks about things we all agree about, they are perfect for starting a lively conversation without disturbing the Thanksgiving peace.

Tip #2: Setting the Mood 

After making sure your conversation starter is noncontroversial, you have to deliver it correctly. Even the most banal comment could be taken the wrong way if you seem agitated or mean when you say it. Here’s a pro tip: Thanksgiving is about thankfulness (and colonization), so you already have a built-in socially acceptable way to make comments! Simply start your sentence with “I’m so thankful for,” expressing your gratitude and joy to ensure you are not seen as disruptive or unpleasant. For example, if I grabbed a greasy serving fork, rolled my eyes back in my head, and screamed, “People wanted Charlie Kirk’s assassin to pay the highest possible penalty when they blamed a trans person, but as soon as they realized a cis, white, religious man was responsible, they switched over to thoughts and prayers for the murderer!” this could be seen as aggressive, even though I followed Tip #1 and made a noncontroversial and obvious point. Instead, I would format my comment thus: “I’m so thankful for increasing awareness of gun violence in America!” using a calm, happy voice and only gritting my teeth a little bit. Try it! 

Tip #3: Knowing Your Audience 

Always make sure you understand where everyone’s coming from before starting a conversation! Notice the little moments, and remember things your family has expressed in the past so that your comments always land the way you want. Let’s say the table is awkwardly quiet and I want to start a conversation. I look around the table and see, probably, a lot of white people. I think back to things I know about white people, like how we participated in the transatlantic slave trade, the Trail of Tears and other forms of colonization and racism, including neocolonialist practices that are still occurring today. Eureka! “Did you know that calling people ‘illegal’ for not having the correct papers under a system that makes it extremely difficult to gain these documents legally is, in fact, racist and discriminatory, devaluing immigrants as people even though America is supposed to be a nation of immigrants and a melting pot for all cultures?” I would then say. Be sure to incorporate Tip #2 — I’ve found that raising your eyebrows very high, smiling as widely as possible, and looking at everyone at the table in quick succession is the most pleasant way to deliver this point. After about 30 seconds of looking around and grinning, remember to express your gratitude by adding, “I’m thankful that you agree with me here and are working not to carry on the legacy of the horrible things the U.S. has done in the past.” Then, you should quickly jump up from the table and open the front door, welcoming in the 47,964 immigrants who committed only minor offenses, like traffic violations, held in ICE detention centers as of 2025. Education about a certain people group is, of course, best done by members of that people group, so personal contact with the minorities persecuted by President Trump’s fascist regime will be a valuable opportunity for your family to ask questions and learn.

But What if an Argument Starts Anyway? 

Once you know how to find a noncontroversial point, deliver it in a pleasant way, and understand your audience, you’ll be able to create a warm environment that fosters great conversations and promotes familial community. Unfortunately, there’s always one person who doesn’t know these tips, and might even try to start something on purpose — what a faux pas! If anyone at the table says something that is bad etiquette and doesn’t follow the above tips, whether it’s a topic that could be offensive, a downright unpleasant delivery, or a lack of effort to understand where people are coming from, you can fix it! Simply read accurate and scholarly sources about political topics, speak to a wide variety of people and make a genuine effort to understand their experiences, remember the speaker’s shared humanity as you prepare to encounter their misguided attitude and hire a death metal vocalist to loudly growl out the famous political protest song “Bella Ciao” any time the problematic family member begins speaking. This uplifting, anti-fascist experience should help even the grumpiest relative see the error of their ways, after which you can take the opportunity to share my three tips for successful holiday conversation. 

A Situation From a Reader Just Like You! 

I did also want to address a quick reader question. Unfortunately, after reading my first Thanksgiving article, someone let me know that every year they have to share a Thanksgiving table with — the essence of medical malpractice and ableism itself? What a sticky situation! My advice is to just read RFK Jr. a peer-reviewed article about honestly any scientific topic. This will probably take him out; if not, I think a flamethrower is what you’re supposed to use for zombies.

Now that you know how to start productive conversations over the Thanksgiving holiday, you should be totally prepared for the big day! I hope my tips help you celebrate without having to worry about awkward silences or those annoying moments when your family somehow starts saying things that they clearly can’t actually believe. Happy Tofurkey Day, and enjoy the benefits of capitalist exploitation that you greedily benefit from with no concern or empathy for the less fortunate!!! God bless America!!

I quite enjoy reading and writing the English language. Some parts of English are more fun than others, of course; I always prefer to read a good novel rather than take part in a grammar lesson. My friends have called me an “honorary member of the grammar SWAT team”. I contend that grammar is irrelevant if one is not involved in the writing of an academic or journalistic document.

However, there is one place in English where improper grammar sends me into a rage. This is when someone elects not to use the Oxford comma.

Some explanation is necessary for those who are unfamiliar with the Oxford comma. The Oxford comma, also known as a serial comma, is the comma before the final item in a list of three or more items. For example, in the phrase “lions, tigers, and bears” (oh my!), the Oxford comma is the one that comes after the word ‘tigers’. This comma may not seem like a lot, but its use is critical.

Unfortunately for all lovers of the Oxford comma, the Hilltop Monitor’s copy editor is required to edit in strict compliance with the Associated Press (AP) style. AP style does not include the Oxford comma. This is an outrage! When used properly, the Oxford comma makes writing clearer, cheaper and easier to read.

A simple example suffices to prove the necessity of the Oxford comma. Take the following sentence about inviting one’s children to a party:

“I invited John’s children, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln to the party”

The English language uses a comma to offset appositives—words that further describe or clarify a subject. This makes the above sentence ambiguous. Are Washington and Lincoln the names of John’s children, or separate invitees altogether? I think John would know, but anyone else is clueless. The sentence is not clear. This matters very much, as the side dish I would bring to such a party depends on whether the guest list includes presidents.

Compare this with the alternative:

“I invited John’s children, George Washington, and Abraham Lincoln to the party”

In this example, it’s very clear who is invited to the party, and I will be able to spend my Friday night with John’s children and two dead U.S. presidents—or whoever else shows up. See? It’s so much better, and I know what type of occasion I will be attending.

The Oxford comma can also save you money. In 2014, five Maine commercial drivers filed a lawsuit against their employer for unpaid overtime. The dairy company hadn’t been paying the drivers overtime, pointing to a Maine law. The law exempted workers who were involved in “[t]he canning, processing, preserving, freezing, drying, marketing, storing, packing for shipment or distribution of [perishable goods]” from overtime pay. Careful rereading of this statute identifies an ambiguity: is “packing for shipment or distribution” one item? Or, are “packing for shipment” and “distribution” two separate things? The company settled for five million dollars.

The moral of the story? Include your commas, folks. They save lives, money and time.

This year on the Hill, men’s fashion has been turning heads and serving looks. Although online classes have reduced the number of students on campus, this has been a hot season for fashion. Most notably, the classic slide and sock combo has emerged as a staple item. It fits all weather and social occasions, making it a stylish and comfortable paring. 

In the hair category, mullets have made a comeback from the ‘80s, making a strong appearance on Jewell’s campus. Even though it’s no longer cuffing season, there is no denying that getting a mullet is a sure-fire method to getting a hot date.

The cold front this school year produced many wintertime looks that are fashion-forward and practical. Shorts made a huge splash this summer as the men on campus opted for wardrobe choices that prioritized warmth during the below-freezing temperatures. 

On track with the weather-based fashion statements, pit vipers have been adopted for their great sun protection qualities and classy look. It’s refreshing to see that the men on campus are prioritizing responsible eye protection, all while looking subtle at the same time. 

Cartoon by Kitt Wilhelm