I still distinctly remember the feeling of arriving at the Heathrow Airport in London. I was filled with a combination of fear, anticipation and excitement. After preparing for the past two years at William Jewell College, it was finally time for the pinnacle of my Oxbridge experience — a full year of study abroad at the University of Oxford. Even after living in Washington D.C. by myself in the summer, I still felt unprepared for the new challenges that awaited me in Oxford.

Settling into a new country was a completely foreign experience to me, and the first few days presented several challenges. First, I had to figure out how to use my cellphone, adjust to the currency changes and learn how to navigate the city. After overcoming these initial adjustments, my first term had arrived and I was thrust into a new educational system. At Oxford, there were three academic terms and each term I took two tutorials each term, which are individualized and intimate classes with one tutor and a few students. My educational experience at Oxford was much different from Jewell, where I only had one tutorial and a busy course load. As the year progressed, I came to appreciate the tutorial system, since my days were much more free for me to focus on my studies, explore the city and pursue extracurriculars. 

Most of my days were filled with studying in beautiful historic libraries asI only had class once or twice a week. My favorite library was the Radcliffe Camera, which is one of Oxford’s most iconic buildings. I also enjoyed exploring the coffee shops in Oxford, with Peloton Espresso being my favorite. Being an Oxford student has so many perks, including the amazing catalog of books and journals that are readily accessible to students and the lecture series offered by world-famous academics. I enjoyed the benefits that tutorials offered as I was able to receive more individualized instruction and also was able to take tutorials on topics that aren’t offered at Jewell, such as Development Economics, Feminist Theory, and Politics in China.

As a visiting student at Mansfield College in Oxford, I was able to find a vibrant and tight-knit community. During the year, I participated in rowing which was much harder than I anticipated, but gave me opportunities to meet other students and stay in shape. I also participated in academic extracurriculars since Oxford has a variety and multitude of student organizations and societies that encompass almost any interest you can imagine. I was able to continue my interest in student journalism through writing and editing for the Oxford Blue, the student newspaper. One of my favorite experiences was attending the Oxford Women in Business sustainable fashion show as a reporter and conducting an Instagram takeover for the event. I also was a committee member for the Oxford Society for International Development, which gave me amazing opportunities to meet speakers and academics in the field of sustainable development as well as like-minded students. Attending debates and speaker events at the Oxford Union, a historic and world-renowned student society that brings in public figures and academics to Oxford, was one of the most exciting aspects of being an Oxford student. I had the opportunity to hear Malala Yousafzai, a famous education activist, speak, which was phenomenal.

Socially, I found the culture at Oxford to be inviting and very student-oriented. Unlike the U.S. campus culture, there was more of an emphasis on formal events, which required black-tie attire. Mansfield held social events such as weekly formal dinners, which were four-course formal meals and also regularly hosted BOPs (big organized parties). One of my favorite events was Champagne and Chocolates, which was hosted for Mansfield students and featured drinks, chocolate and live jazz. In the summer, I attended the Oxford Union ball which was so much fun. It featured live music, an open bar, food trucks, carnival games and so many other features. Meeting a variety of students from across the world was one of the coolest aspects of studying abroad at Oxford, I was able to meet and form friendships with people who I never would’ve met.

Traveling around Europe was my favorite part about studying abroad. After spending Christmas break in the U.S. with my family, I went on a trip with one of my best friends from home to visit London, Paris, Cologne and Brussels. Some of my favorite memories from that trip are dining in Eiffel Tower, going to the Louvre, eating Belgian chocolate and watching “Les Miserables” in London. During spring break, my family came to visit me in Oxford and we also traveled around the UK in Ireland and Scotland. Edinburgh was one of my favorite cities with breathtaking architecture. I also loved the castles in Ireland and Scotland. After that, I went on a month-long vacation with friends I had made at Mansfield. We went to Italy, Croatia and the Netherlands. Some of the most memorable experiences were going to the Trevi fountain, the Vatican and the Pantheon in Italy. I also loved exploring the beautiful cities of Dubrovnik and Split in Croatia and the cool canals in Amsterdam.

To anyone that is considering studying abroad, I would wholeheartedly recommend it. Besides the amazing travel opportunities, living abroad teaches you life lessons on problem-solving and adapting to change. I also think that it teaches valuable lessons on how to live independently and cultivate relationships with people who are different from you. To those who are nervously anticipating their study abroad year, don’t stress yourself out too much since it’ll all work out and the hard adjustment period is worth the life-changing experiences you’ll have. I would also advise you to remain open-minded to the experiences you’ll have and not be afraid to try things that are out of your comfort zone.

It’s nearly been one year since the day the world seemed to break – March 13, 2020. While the coronavirus had been ravaging elsewhere for months, it was on this day that Americans were hit with the seriousness of the virus

One year ago, I was in Oxford having potentially the best year of my life. We were coming up on a six-week break, during which I was still holding onto the hope I would be able to travel around the United Kingdom by the end of the break. At the very least, I was convinced I could wait out the pandemic in Oxford. The thought of returning home permanently was devastating.

Within days that fear became my reality as I booked a last-minute flight when the U.S. started closing its borders. In my last few days in Oxford, I took these pictures desperately trying to hold on to the idyllic life I’d been living.

Pictures from my last few days in Oxford.

After realizing the pandemic was far worse than I thought, I was suddenly whisked away back to the U.S. – maskless – on an over 12-hour journey. In what I now consider a stroke of genius, I took the following hourly selfies during my trip back. Please enjoy the utter depression on display in this gallery.

Photos from every hour of travel back from Oxford to Kansas City.

After arriving home, I completed a two-week quarantine and after that, frankly, I remember next to nothing of the following several months. Something about living through so much turmoil, constant change but also no activity, despair and numbness have warped time. Even this sentiment feels cliche because everyone experienced it.

In reviewing the pictures I took from March to August, I was struck by how few photos I had from the year and how few I had genuinely positive memories about. I’m confident that if I knew how the year would pan out after March 13, I would have been broken. Yet, I also know there were times during the spring and summer of COVID-19 that I remember fondly. I remember walking to Hammerhand, enjoying the sun, working, completing coursework and generally keeping myself as busy as I possibly could.

Pictures throughout the year.

I’m trying to find the silver linings of the year, but, frankly, the more I try to remember the good, the more I just reminisce on pre-pandemic times. I didn’t expect so much of the so-called new normal to feel so truly normal, but I really can’t say I have much positive to say about it all. 

So far, the year just feels like I’ve been stuck in time. After a year of so much growth, sensory overload and independence, this year seemed to transport me back to middle school. I’ve had the chance to pseudo-observe my own growth and I’ve concluded that I am so damn ready to be past the worst of this. It feels as though the entirety of the end of my college experience has been blurred. I wish I had some positive conclusion to this walk down memory lane. I don’t. I’m just sad for all that has been missed, all the lives lost, the senselessness of the year, the unendingness.

Personally, I am ready to move on to the next chapter of my life. I see my graduation and plans to move and go to grad school as an end to all the sameness, stress, anxiety and fatigue. I’m hoping this isn’t just another naive delusion that just keeps me going. 

Pictures from throughout the year.

“We” – the good college student(s) – are hardworking, thoughtful, innovative, intelligent.

It’s not wrong, of course. But it’s not completely accurate, and just-exiting-high-school me never saw what Jewell sold as what I would become.

I just saw that, after the applications and visits and interviews were over, I was expected to live up to the titles. Add on the honor of being an Oxbridge student, and I did the only logical thing my anxiety-ridden self could do.

I spent most of my free time working. I would say all, except there were stretches of times where, exhausted, I watched Netflix, but that was all I did. If I wasn’t studying for a class, I was resting.

I didn’t rest often. I didn’t get more than six hours of sleep on the weekdays–I mostly got three or four hours. I threw myself into my work, and I doubt that, even if I had straight-As, I would have been able to stop on my own.

I knew I didn’t live up to what most – if not all – college students feel pressured to become, and it impacted my time outside of class greatly.

Then, I left for Oxford.

Look, I know it’s typical for an Oxbridge student to have something to say about their time there. I dislike casually talking about my time there mostly because it comes off pretentious and/or awkwardly vague.

Because really, how do you talk about a year abroad?

For this conversation, I will say that Oxford was a wildly strange environment. For all of the pomp and circumstance of being a student studying at Oxford, it was also very simple and straightforward.

I made it, and now all I had to do was learn and grow in my tutorials.

I slipped into a loose schedule, automatically, that prioritized rest and exploration as much as it did studying. Often, I took my tutorial work outside my dorm and explored the different studying (and non-studying) environments Oxford offered. I had lectures I could attend if I wished, and I chose them based on my personal interest.

When I say slipped, I don’t mean that I sunk into a schedule that suited me with the grace and happiness of someone slipping into a luxurious bath. I slipped into an indulgent schedule in the same way one slips walking down the stairs.

It was clumsy, awkward and somewhat embarrassing. I had a perfect schedule dreamed up, full of constant studying and papers written days before their due date. I was going to attend several lectures daily, never mind that they were often located at the English Faculty Library, a stuffy building a 12 minute walk away from Lady Margaret Hall (albeit through a beautiful university garden). And that was the closest location.

I went to Lady Margaret Hall, located outside the official city center because of sexism. Literally. The college was the first to admit women, which meant the University of Oxford disallowed them from living in the city.

I didn’t live up to my imagined productivity. I found myself sleeping until noon and doing my best work from four in the afternoon to midnight.

Naturally, I turned to my therapist. I told her I felt guilty because I wasn’t being productive enough. I was getting sleep, I wasn’t working myself to the bone. One tutor’s reading list included secondary sources we could read if we were interested – the first time a tutorial’s weekly reading list gave us options. And I hadn’t forced myself to read all of them – just the ones I wanted!

My therapist helped me distinguish between the perceptions of success I’d internalized and what actually worked for me. Slowly, I found myself paying attention to myself.

What I began changing wasn’t what I did but how I narrated it. I made sure to give myself permission to sleep when I needed, to work and to enjoy Oxford.

I told myself over and over, nicely, that I could eat, that I could sleep. It felt funny at first, and definitely clunky, but it became comforting. Telling myself that I deserved things I had denied myself helped so much not only with developing healthy studying habits but also with the way I felt about myself.

My year at Oxford helped me challenge myself as a student to study not only for my major but also for myself and what harmful narratives I internalized.

Now, I’m back at Jewell, and I don’t have the luxury of an independent schedule.

To an extent I can choose how I spend my time, but it feels less freeing than Oxford, both because I have daily obligations and because the mindset and expectations are different.

At Oxford, I’d made it. Here, I still don’t feel like I’ve made it, even as a senior. I feel, in some ways, like I will never live up to the perfect student standard.

Good students here are hardworking, thoughtful, innovative, intelligent. They also don’t get more than five hours of sleep and balance other non-academic activities flawlessly with hours of homework, studying and paper-writing.

We read between the lines and understand that we either work constantly or don’t work at all, that we must either be hardworking or careless.

I don’t want to do that anymore. I don’t want to feel guilty doing things that aren’t schoolwork. I don’t want to spend all my time re-reading my notes, compulsively examining my texts for tutorial every spare minute, terrified of forgetting a single detail.

I want to do enough, and I want to be enough. I want to enjoy studying, even though I know that will not always be realistic. I want to be in-tune with myself enough that even when doing required tasks, I can pay enough attention to myself to compete them healthily.

Oxford didn’t fix things for me, but it did set me up for beginning the process of examining and re-working harmful behaviors I had internalized. It is still a work in progress.

I still find myself sometimes slipping into bad habits. The important thing is that I continue forward and learn from my mistakes.

I still work hard on my coursework. But I also eat several meals a day, get more than six hours of sleep (on weekdays too!), and spend at least a little time each day deliberately on a non-academic hobby.

There is a space between hardworking and lazy, and, for me, it is the most productive and rewarding space for my academic growth.

Cover photo courtesy of socialsciencecollective.org.