About a week ago, I was sitting on one of those red lawn chairs by Jewell Hall, just soaking in the sun, when I noticed something strange lying in the grass a few feet away, glittering in the bright midday light. I walked over and picked it up. Looking at it now, it seems to be a book or journal of some sort, written in a strange, hieroglyphic script which I have been working to decipher. Its cover is metal and has various buttons embedded in it, some of which make a strange beeping sound if I press them. As I began to read, I noticed the date on the inside front cover: January 26, 2961! Have I found an original document from the future? I can’t say for sure, but in the spirit of journalism I will share the contents of this book, and maybe one of you readers will be able to find out whether this could possibly be, indeed, a time traveler’s diary.

—

The research project has been approved. I am excited and honored to begin my dissertation studies by traveling to the ancient civilization of pre-Vorkopolik America, in the year 2026, to discover by experience the culture of its inhabitants and hopefully to conduct undercover exploration about their beliefs and customs. I have landed at what I believe to be the ancient city-state of Texas, and there seems to be some sort of religious celebration occurring which I have been observing for the past few hours. My list of observations grows steadily more unbelievable, but I swear I write nothing but the pure truth so help me Borg.

I was wearing my red, reflective antivirus suit which I had worried would cause the inhabitants some fear or confusion. However, as I walked into what, according to the signs, was the American Airlines center, the inhabitants seemed pleased and not at all offended by my hyperreflective outfit, instead uttering drawn-out grunts of some sort. One even offered me a ceremonial headpiece of the same color enscribed with the slogan to “Improve, Once More, America” or something like that. I did not get a chance to fully run text translation software. 

They all seemed to be headed to a specific area in the building, so I joined them. Following, I walked into a large amphitheater of some sort in the middle of what seemed to be a speech which I translated with my multi-language earpiece, although I believe it may have been malfunctioning, as I picked up audio of a very ugly old man attempting to bribe the Americanite people for their vote with a payment of $5,000 each should he win some sort of powerful title. If my calculator reports correctly, this would come to over $1.3 trillion, which in those days I believe was a lot of money although today Borg knows you can hardly get a tank of gas for less than $2 gongillion. Anyway, I began attempting to fix my translation headset as the speeches continued, but I continued to pick up fragments. I will have to confirm with the ship’s backup recordings, but I believe the same ugly man also stated that people who did not vote for him would be attending a place called “hell,” which after a brief jorblenet search I found to be a term for some sort of immortal torture location within the belief system of this civilization. To me, this seems like a harsh punishment, but I came to believe that these inhabitants thought of the ugly old man as their deity. There was little negative reaction to anything he told them, even when stating untruths such as that the area was “packed” (whereas from my calculations it seemed to be at a relatively low percentage of habitation. Perhaps “packed” is a piece of linguistic vernacular that my translator does not include and instead means something more like “a little more than half full or so”). 

The inhabitants also allowed themselves to be led in a sort of religious pact or oath, chanting that they respected the man as “the greatest President in the history of the United States that loves us so much he can’t breathe,” that they would “go out with … family and friends” and vote “if I’m registered or not. I’m going to try and cheat like hell.” This was surprising, because from what I had learned in Ancient History Seminar, cheating was generally a thing that the American peoples’ deity forbade, and so Americanites generally frowned on it unless it was conducted by the upper-class members of its caste system. I think I’ll have to take my translation software to the shop. 

After the event, I tried to ask some of the inhabitants what was going on. I believe there was some sort of virus spreading, though, because each person I asked responded with an exuberant “Trumpapalooza!” “Bless you,” I would respond. Good thing my reflective suit was also antibacterial. Switching tact, I tried to find out how each inhabitant ended up here. Surprisingly, I found that some of them had paid up to $20,000 (equivalent to approximately 3.8 squintillion in 2961 currency) to be there, while others had been given tickets for free or won them from lottery-style giveaways. Another sign pointing to this occurrence being of religious significance, as it includes an element of chance destining some to attend and some not to.

Having collected this fascinating research, I have begun preparations to return to my research academy. I believe that my dissertation thesis concerning religious practice in the ancient Americanite civilizations of the 1800-2300 period has been overall upheld by my immersion experience, although the technical difficulties were certainly annoying. In fact, as well as the potential issues with my translation software, I worry that the supply hold is loosening and will not latch properly. Hopefully nothing of value to my studies will fall out as I fly rapidly around the earth, attempting to gain enough velocity to shift back to the present day. Maybe in the future it will be more convenient to time travel. It’s so Borg-damn frustrating. 

Signing off,

Captain L. P. Exivor, Research Assistant for Prof. Broxiffle of the Ancient Studies Department, Ziglat State University.

This article was originally published in an Apr. 24 print edition of the Monitor.

(Journalist’s Note: This speech was published on the official White House DaddyPatriot media account earlier this week. So far, the White House has declined to provide further comment.)

My fellow citizens of this strong, great, and beautiful United States of America,

Today, we will be unveiling the biggest technological development that America has seen—at least, since sliced bread! We are excited to present this revolutionary, nationwide update which will roll out new tech features to every household in America—whether you’re rich or poor, whether you’re white or white, whether you’re ugly or a Republican, you are going to love it! For only a small mandatory subscription of $99.99 biannually per device, you will have access to unique specialty safety features developed specifically for you. TakeyoInfo.Chat will be available to you as an information categorization system to help you let go of the responsibility of remembering all your personal data—but it’s not just about keeping track of information, it’s about a more structured, more precise, more data-driven world where we can all work together to achieve great things. Whether you’re looking for a fresh new take on your social security card or just a prediction about where you are going to be at all times, TakeyoInfo.Chat is there for you!

Let’s discuss TakeyoInfo.Chat’s capabilities and features! Whether you’re on your computer for work or just for fun, TakeyoInfo.Chat will be running in the background, gathering information from your hard drive, and collecting it all into a secure online vault that can only be accessed by specialists—no one will be seeing it except the entire government and whoever they show, we promise! And your secrets are safe with us—if TakeyoInfo.Chat finds any risky or political content or information, the software will immediately store it and investigate your personal risk factors, updating with your fine or prison time (calculated precisely with our CalculateyoSentence.Chat tool). And that’s not all—TakeyoInfo.Chat can complete automatic tasks for you, freeing you from boring activities like deciding where to read the news, texting your friends, and even voting with our built-in software that provides AI-generated information on anything you want to know about, suggested responses to any and every correspondence you receive that will automatically send after a 10-second period of inactivity, and effort-free autofill voting. Think camel, but thousands of them on a conveyor belt heading straight for the eye of a needle every single second! 

There are so many more capabilities to TakeyoInfo.Chat that we’d love to share with you, but we couldn’t possibly fit it all in one speech—here are the highlights!

• Free image generation capabilities with built-in bigotry and racism
• Free bullshit spewing capabilities—your political opponents can’t defeat your points as fast as you generate them
• Free child mentorship software—connect your kid with a friendly, helpful, and patriotic agent of the Trump administration!

Whether you’re looking for a helpful in-home assistant for all your thinking needs, a high-tech new way to be hateful as efficiently as possible, or even just a good friend, TakeyoInfo.Chat is here for you. We’ve already been enjoying its helpful features here in the White House! That’s right—you might be surprised to hear this, but some of the images and videos we’ve been posting were actually generated by TakeyoInfo.Chat! While President Trump is definitely the perfect blend of powerful and charming, those photos of him as a Jedi, the pope, co-explorer with a lonely but patriotic penguin, Jesus, and a king were actually not from real life, but generated with care by your good friend TakeyoInfo.Chat! 

But it’s not about generating images so realistic that you think they might step off the screen, it’s about honoring the hard work, dedication, and traditional American values of our great president. That’s another fantastic feature of TakeyoInfo.Chat—for no extra charge, every American will receive a completely free, AI-generated wake-up speech from President Donald J. Trump, unique to them, every single day of the year! Feel free to respond to the pop-up ads embedded in the video to tell us where you would like to be sent after the mandatory draft—our state-of-the-art information sorting system can send you to a deployment location that’s full of rustic charm, a hidden gem of beaches and palm trees, an old-world city full of bustling streets and sunset views, and so much more. Trust us when we tell you that TakeyoInfo.Chat is a real game-changer, not just for analyzing information and generating patriotic, American images and videos, but for helping people access the tools they need to make their own decisions as easily as if something else were making decisions for them.

Fellow Americans, today marks a defining moment—not just for our nation, but for the future we are building together. TakeyoInfo.Chat represents a commitment to a better life for Americans that don’t like putting effort into their citizenship but still want to feel like they have good ideas online—something we can all relate to. Thank you for your commitment to making America great again—one AI post from your highest governing body at a time, we will strive to always improve the quality of life for America’s most fortunate.

Hope this speech fits your needs! If you would like, I can also:

• Generate a video of J. D. Vance doing a wheelie on a motorcycle, yelling “It’s not eyeliner—it’s pure patriotism overflowing out of my eyes!”
• Summarize the key moments of today’s White House events—from Linda the secretary spilling green bean casserole on the floor to that romantic call with Benjamin Netanyahu
• Tell you that you are so handsome, muscular, and smart
• Generate a silly comic strip about immigrants and asylum seekers being deported

I hope this helps!

Just to be clear, please note that AI was not used in the making of this article. I wrote it all. It is from a human. 

• H. William Speck

“They are to be stoned.” Exodus 19:13, NIV

Hello, fellow Jewell students! I am excited to announce that I am finally starting my own student organization. I know not a lot of people agree with me, so I’m prepared for a lot of pushback and persecution, but I think it’s finally time for me to stand up for what I believe in. I’ve really been working on taking up the space to tell my story and be myself, so I hope you’ll support my newest endeavour. Let’s change the world!

Yes, that’s right. It’s about time someone started a Burning Joint USA chapter at this college. Honestly, it’s surprising to me that I’m the only one here with the guts to do this. I mean, at least someone’s not afraid to speak out about real Christian values like being chill as hell. Since this college is formerly Baptist affiliated, I’m sure I don’t have to remind you of the words written in the book of Mary chapter 4 and verse 20: “And then said the LORD, ‘Pass that blunt around again, for I desire that my followers be freaking baked, and also bring thou in the Bagel Bites, for behold, all who follow me shall be fed with a multitude of calories. For does it not speak in the Prophets of the burning bush, or something like that? Whoa, dude, these bagels are my body, and the tomato sauce is my blood. The mozzarella cheese – thou canst figure that out for thyself. Anyways, pass that shit so I can get a hit. Hey, that rhymes, haha. Hehe.’” I think we need to take the Bible more seriously in this age of persecution and stop ignoring verses we don’t like just because of culture war issues. That’s why it’s so important that the Jewell community commits to representing and lifting up Christlike voices in this age of atheism.

But, you might be thinking, how in the world are we going to pull off this religious organization at such a worldly and sin-ridden college? Won’t we have trouble finding support from the faculty here? Won’t we be hated and run out of town? Well, that’s the good news, Cardinals: BJUSA doesn’t need college support to be an official college-affiliated organization! Turns out, we’ve never needed a faculty sponsor to sign off on a form in order to start a club: I can’t believe it’s taken us all this time to realize that!¹ This is great news, because I know someone who’s perfect to lead a BJUSA chapter at William Jewell College: my stepdad Rob. He has his own basement where we can go light one up, and he’s super chill. He’s pretty much always passed out on the couch. Also, his smoke alarm doesn’t work, so we don’t have to worry about waking anyone up, and he doesn’t mind if we eat some of his mini muffins as long as we give him a ride to work sometimes to pay him back. 

Now that we have the practical stuff out of the way, all I need to do is get that form signed, and William Jewell’s inaugural Burning Joint USA chapter will be up and running! Finally, we will have a college-affiliated – even if not college-supervised – space to enact our religious freedom. Join BJUSA to support the cause and smoke up for the teachings of Jaysus Christ in a world that is against us!

1.  I spoke to Ernie Stufflebean about this in relation to the TPUSA chapter recently established on campus without a faculty advisor and he said that there has never been a requirement to have a faculty advisor when starting a student organization. Surprising given the struggle many student organizations have had in the past to find a faculty advisor for their student organization to become official. Must have just been a big misunderstanding. ︎

Are you pumped to gorge yourself on both food and entertainment this upcoming National Native Day of Mourning even as hundreds of thousands of Americans have lost their SNAP and food stamp benefits???!!! I sure am!!! I’m so glad you all found my last holiday article, in which I suggested some low-stress ways to keep conversations civil and nonpolitical, helpful. In fact, I hear that my tactics almost worked too well for many of you, accidentally causing a total hush as your entire family, overwhelmed with your wisdom, stopped speaking and silently meditated for the entirety of Thanksgiving dinner, striving for nirvana and completely ignoring both the big football game and Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If this situation sounds familiar, read on for my tried-and-true tips to turn any awkward silence into happy and zero-conflict family time!

Tip #1: Selecting a Topic 

The most important tip, of course, is to make sure you understand the balance between casual, low-stakes conversation and something that your family could be offended by or take personally. That’s why I always start with a pleasant, objectively true comment like, “Isn’t it beautiful weather? It’s so crisp and autumny outside!” or “Wow, isn’t it great that the Supreme Court declined to revisit Obergefell v. Hodges, protecting same-sex couples’ right to marriage?” Since these comments are both friendly remarks about things we all agree about, they are perfect for starting a lively conversation without disturbing the Thanksgiving peace.

Tip #2: Setting the Mood 

After making sure your conversation starter is noncontroversial, you have to deliver it correctly. Even the most banal comment could be taken the wrong way if you seem agitated or mean when you say it. Here’s a pro tip: Thanksgiving is about thankfulness (and colonization), so you already have a built-in socially acceptable way to make comments! Simply start your sentence with “I’m so thankful for,” expressing your gratitude and joy to ensure you are not seen as disruptive or unpleasant. For example, if I grabbed a greasy serving fork, rolled my eyes back in my head, and screamed, “People wanted Charlie Kirk’s assassin to pay the highest possible penalty when they blamed a trans person, but as soon as they realized a cis, white, religious man was responsible, they switched over to thoughts and prayers for the murderer!” this could be seen as aggressive, even though I followed Tip #1 and made a noncontroversial and obvious point. Instead, I would format my comment thus: “I’m so thankful for increasing awareness of gun violence in America!” using a calm, happy voice and only gritting my teeth a little bit. Try it! 

Tip #3: Knowing Your Audience 

Always make sure you understand where everyone’s coming from before starting a conversation! Notice the little moments, and remember things your family has expressed in the past so that your comments always land the way you want. Let’s say the table is awkwardly quiet and I want to start a conversation. I look around the table and see, probably, a lot of white people. I think back to things I know about white people, like how we participated in the transatlantic slave trade, the Trail of Tears and other forms of colonization and racism, including neocolonialist practices that are still occurring today. Eureka! “Did you know that calling people ‘illegal’ for not having the correct papers under a system that makes it extremely difficult to gain these documents legally is, in fact, racist and discriminatory, devaluing immigrants as people even though America is supposed to be a nation of immigrants and a melting pot for all cultures?” I would then say. Be sure to incorporate Tip #2 — I’ve found that raising your eyebrows very high, smiling as widely as possible, and looking at everyone at the table in quick succession is the most pleasant way to deliver this point. After about 30 seconds of looking around and grinning, remember to express your gratitude by adding, “I’m thankful that you agree with me here and are working not to carry on the legacy of the horrible things the U.S. has done in the past.” Then, you should quickly jump up from the table and open the front door, welcoming in the 47,964 immigrants who committed only minor offenses, like traffic violations, held in ICE detention centers as of 2025. Education about a certain people group is, of course, best done by members of that people group, so personal contact with the minorities persecuted by President Trump’s fascist regime will be a valuable opportunity for your family to ask questions and learn.

But What if an Argument Starts Anyway? 

Once you know how to find a noncontroversial point, deliver it in a pleasant way, and understand your audience, you’ll be able to create a warm environment that fosters great conversations and promotes familial community. Unfortunately, there’s always one person who doesn’t know these tips, and might even try to start something on purpose — what a faux pas! If anyone at the table says something that is bad etiquette and doesn’t follow the above tips, whether it’s a topic that could be offensive, a downright unpleasant delivery, or a lack of effort to understand where people are coming from, you can fix it! Simply read accurate and scholarly sources about political topics, speak to a wide variety of people and make a genuine effort to understand their experiences, remember the speaker’s shared humanity as you prepare to encounter their misguided attitude and hire a death metal vocalist to loudly growl out the famous political protest song “Bella Ciao” any time the problematic family member begins speaking. This uplifting, anti-fascist experience should help even the grumpiest relative see the error of their ways, after which you can take the opportunity to share my three tips for successful holiday conversation. 

A Situation From a Reader Just Like You! 

I did also want to address a quick reader question. Unfortunately, after reading my first Thanksgiving article, someone let me know that every year they have to share a Thanksgiving table with — the essence of medical malpractice and ableism itself? What a sticky situation! My advice is to just read RFK Jr. a peer-reviewed article about honestly any scientific topic. This will probably take him out; if not, I think a flamethrower is what you’re supposed to use for zombies.

Now that you know how to start productive conversations over the Thanksgiving holiday, you should be totally prepared for the big day! I hope my tips help you celebrate without having to worry about awkward silences or those annoying moments when your family somehow starts saying things that they clearly can’t actually believe. Happy Tofurkey Day, and enjoy the benefits of capitalist exploitation that you greedily benefit from with no concern or empathy for the less fortunate!!! God bless America!!