Rather than randomly blather about my own intricacies like some kind of narcissist, I am here to report that there is a new practice in self-help that gives universally drastic improvements to one’s mental health.

This practice checks off all the bullet points on your conventional self-help checklist, including exercise and a dash of Vitamin D – depending on your surroundings.

When faced with a potential problem, non-problem, decision or potential action, consider one potential reaction: running away.

Scientists have reported that this is excellent exercise for anyone prone to human existence.

“Running is good for your thighs and heart,” one scientist reports.

The potential applications of this solution are endless. Tired and can’t decide between shows on Netflix? Run away! Big exam? Flee! Boring lecture? You guessed it – get up out of your chair, clear your throat and sprint out of Jewell Hall.

This even works in situations where you would actually like to participate in or decide between your interests. So overwhelmed with joy when you actually have a comment to contribute to discussion? Run!

Consider next time, instead of responding, simply leaving the room – everyone will understand.

“I respect students who are emotionally intelligent and know how to exercise exiting stressful situations,” said no professor ever.

When asked if this method is explicitly condoned within their syllabus, the professor I interviewed hesitated.

“I’m not one for random or obvious resources in my syllabus… we have to make room for redundant statements about what the college does and does not condone,” the professor said.

Seeing my opportunity, I continued. “Does the college approve of these methods?”

“Jewell approves of critical and creative approaches to intellectual growth, within the limits of legality, of course,” the anonymous professor said.

The business and administrative offices have not yet been contacted for comment.

I feel fully confident that Jewell approves of this radical act of self-care. If nothing else, we are the Critical Thinking College. Sometimes, all we can do is run.