Not all sorority members necessarily qualify as Walkers, however.  Through the little research we have, one potential theory is that a select group has been infected by a mysterious plague that causes the subject to be spontaneously compelled to walk away from the sorority complex at inopportune times.  Symptoms are similar to the dancing plague of medieval Europe, in which those affected would dance until they collapsed from exhaustion.  Similarly, these sorority women are compelled to live far away from campus and walk long distances every day.  As of yet, there are no cases of collapse, but Campus Safety is carefully monitoring their behavior regardless.

Even then, other theorists have suggested that if a virus had really taken hold of Shumaker Hall, all women living there should be affected.  Those who drive to school are either naturally immune to the plague or—perhaps more reasonably—simply do not wish to climb the Hill.  Some studies have shown that the act of walking up might be completely voluntary, even though Shumaker is nearly a kilometer away from the Quad.  In any case, some groups of women among the Walkers often carry cell phones by their side, and have started using a tracking device known as “Pokémon Go” to chart their progress.  We are not yet sure if the two acts are correlated.

Whether it is caused by a disease or by sheer recklessness, more and more women in Shumaker Hall are opting to walk.  Progress on their reasoning has been incredibly slow, and the odd phenomenon is spreading at an alarming rate.

Any attempt at an interview was promptly refused, only for the sorority sister to continue with her mysterious walking.  We are left only with this cryptic code commonly left by Walkers.

“I wish I could stay and chat, but I have a 7:45. Talk to you later!”

Have you noticed the lack of squirrels on our campus? Rumor has it that the Alpha Gamma Delta, ΑΓΔ, is hiding all of the campus squirrels on their wing. What are they doing with all the squirrels? Investigations by the Missouri Department of Conservation conclude that they are using the squirrels to help to pick their Instagram filters for them. Next time you see a squirrel, catch it, and release it off of campus to save it from the humiliation of not getting enough likes.

Officials reported Zeta Tau Alpha’s glass doors and windows were recently covered by many pieces of paper. Many students are wondering why ΖΤΑ has block off the view to their wing. More importantly, what are they hiding inside?

“I saw all the ZTA members wearing bunnies on their clothes,” said one frazzled looking professor. Authorities are now investigating the links between ZTA “bunnies” and the killer bunny from “Monty Python & the Holy Grail.” “I’d bet my tenure they’re raising killer bunnies behind those covered windows.”

On Tuesday, Mar. 24, overwhelming numbers of Delta Zeta, ΔΖ, members were wearing t-shirts strongly resembling the Illuminati. The eye placed in the middle of the delta sign was easily mistaken for the ancient symbol of the Illuminati- or was it a lapse in judgement as the ΔΖ sisters accidentally wore their true symbol around the Quad?

What are the members of Alpha Delta Pi, AΔΠ, hiding from the campus? An investigation found that, since AΔΠ is the only sorority that is officially a sorority and not a women’s fraternity, they certainly must be hiding some deep, dark secret. Are they wizards from another universe? Are they required to memorize 1000 digits of π? The investigation alluded to many of these theories, but all resulted in dead ends. Investigation could not be continued be due to anonymous notes signed with a lion paw print. AΔΠ will forever remain a mystery. First, finest, most mysterious.

What all started with the realization that “mom-dot” pairs are not actually related has now resulted in a campus-wide investigation of the organizations we all thought we knew. Please report all suspicious activity to Campus Safety at (816)-365-0709.

Additional reporting by Chandler Eaton

Edit: As a staff we usually describe human beings in terms of ounces or handfuls, but apparently that’s not socially acceptable??? Thus, an edit:

Original: overwhelming amounts of Delta Zetas
Current: overwheming numbers of Delta Zetas