This article was originally published in an Apr. 24 print edition of the Monitor.

(Journalist’s Note: This speech was published on the official White House DaddyPatriot media account earlier this week. So far, the White House has declined to provide further comment.)

My fellow citizens of this strong, great, and beautiful United States of America,

Today, we will be unveiling the biggest technological development that America has seen—at least, since sliced bread! We are excited to present this revolutionary, nationwide update which will roll out new tech features to every household in America—whether you’re rich or poor, whether you’re white or white, whether you’re ugly or a Republican, you are going to love it! For only a small mandatory subscription of $99.99 biannually per device, you will have access to unique specialty safety features developed specifically for you. TakeyoInfo.Chat will be available to you as an information categorization system to help you let go of the responsibility of remembering all your personal data—but it’s not just about keeping track of information, it’s about a more structured, more precise, more data-driven world where we can all work together to achieve great things. Whether you’re looking for a fresh new take on your social security card or just a prediction about where you are going to be at all times, TakeyoInfo.Chat is there for you!

Let’s discuss TakeyoInfo.Chat’s capabilities and features! Whether you’re on your computer for work or just for fun, TakeyoInfo.Chat will be running in the background, gathering information from your hard drive, and collecting it all into a secure online vault that can only be accessed by specialists—no one will be seeing it except the entire government and whoever they show, we promise! And your secrets are safe with us—if TakeyoInfo.Chat finds any risky or political content or information, the software will immediately store it and investigate your personal risk factors, updating with your fine or prison time (calculated precisely with our CalculateyoSentence.Chat tool). And that’s not all—TakeyoInfo.Chat can complete automatic tasks for you, freeing you from boring activities like deciding where to read the news, texting your friends, and even voting with our built-in software that provides AI-generated information on anything you want to know about, suggested responses to any and every correspondence you receive that will automatically send after a 10-second period of inactivity, and effort-free autofill voting. Think camel, but thousands of them on a conveyor belt heading straight for the eye of a needle every single second! 

There are so many more capabilities to TakeyoInfo.Chat that we’d love to share with you, but we couldn’t possibly fit it all in one speech—here are the highlights!

• Free image generation capabilities with built-in bigotry and racism
• Free bullshit spewing capabilities—your political opponents can’t defeat your points as fast as you generate them
• Free child mentorship software—connect your kid with a friendly, helpful, and patriotic agent of the Trump administration!

Whether you’re looking for a helpful in-home assistant for all your thinking needs, a high-tech new way to be hateful as efficiently as possible, or even just a good friend, TakeyoInfo.Chat is here for you. We’ve already been enjoying its helpful features here in the White House! That’s right—you might be surprised to hear this, but some of the images and videos we’ve been posting were actually generated by TakeyoInfo.Chat! While President Trump is definitely the perfect blend of powerful and charming, those photos of him as a Jedi, the pope, co-explorer with a lonely but patriotic penguin, Jesus, and a king were actually not from real life, but generated with care by your good friend TakeyoInfo.Chat! 

But it’s not about generating images so realistic that you think they might step off the screen, it’s about honoring the hard work, dedication, and traditional American values of our great president. That’s another fantastic feature of TakeyoInfo.Chat—for no extra charge, every American will receive a completely free, AI-generated wake-up speech from President Donald J. Trump, unique to them, every single day of the year! Feel free to respond to the pop-up ads embedded in the video to tell us where you would like to be sent after the mandatory draft—our state-of-the-art information sorting system can send you to a deployment location that’s full of rustic charm, a hidden gem of beaches and palm trees, an old-world city full of bustling streets and sunset views, and so much more. Trust us when we tell you that TakeyoInfo.Chat is a real game-changer, not just for analyzing information and generating patriotic, American images and videos, but for helping people access the tools they need to make their own decisions as easily as if something else were making decisions for them.

Fellow Americans, today marks a defining moment—not just for our nation, but for the future we are building together. TakeyoInfo.Chat represents a commitment to a better life for Americans that don’t like putting effort into their citizenship but still want to feel like they have good ideas online—something we can all relate to. Thank you for your commitment to making America great again—one AI post from your highest governing body at a time, we will strive to always improve the quality of life for America’s most fortunate.

Hope this speech fits your needs! If you would like, I can also:

• Generate a video of J. D. Vance doing a wheelie on a motorcycle, yelling “It’s not eyeliner—it’s pure patriotism overflowing out of my eyes!”
• Summarize the key moments of today’s White House events—from Linda the secretary spilling green bean casserole on the floor to that romantic call with Benjamin Netanyahu
• Tell you that you are so handsome, muscular, and smart
• Generate a silly comic strip about immigrants and asylum seekers being deported

I hope this helps!

Just to be clear, please note that AI was not used in the making of this article. I wrote it all. It is from a human. 

• H. William Speck

Photo by Vitaly Gariev via Uplash.

It’s going to be quite a Thanksgiving this year, considering the current political landscape! If, like me, you really just want to eat some good home-cooked food with family and friends, here are some helpful tips for staying on top of arguments and keeping your Thanksgiving from getting too controversial.

Is your beloved family member going on a rant about how the Harris-Walz campaign was actually a coverup for the fact that climate change was deepfaked to make the moon landing more plausible? Consider approaching the matter with tactical evasion by roaring, “WOW. THIS PUMPKIN PIE IS DELICIOUS!” and glaring directly into their eyes while stabbing Nana’s award-winning hand-kneaded flaky pie crust hard enough to tear through the paper plate. If the subject is not dropped, you may consider forcefully serving your relative a helping of food, refusing to set down the serving knife. You should follow this up by gesturing at the food and repeatedly asking, “Isn’t Aunt Gertrude’s bean casserole just the highlight of your year?” As a physiological need, food is at the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and by fulfilling your relative’s basic desire for sustenance, you can de-escalate any political tension and make them feel loved and comforted.

Are you listening in disbelief to your ancient uncle’s Ted Talk about “post-birth abortion” and how “the left is grooming our kids to become vegan illegal immigrants who use our tax dollars to get sex reassignment surgeries?” I highly recommend vaulting onto the table and rubbing soggy stuffing into his hair while berserkly screaming gibberish. Everyone needs a little attention sometimes; this will gain his respect, help him feel warm and cuddly inside and steer the conversation to more constructive pathways.

Have you been dreading someone bringing up “mass deportation” or “illegal criminals,” but feel that the dinner conversation is quickly veering in a somewhat xenophobic direction? A great way to keep this situation under control is by slithering under the table and gently tickling people’s knees. “They’re coming for your jobses, precious!” you can tell them in your best Gollum voice from below their femurs. This is a great motto that your family will assuredly find meaningful.

Is your feeble grandmother using her last dregs of energy to aggressively declare that “more guns in schools would prevent mass shootings?” I recommend knocking over your chair and pitchily playing “Pumped Up Kicks” on the bagpipes while dancing an energetic Highland Fling. Generally, this will defuse the argument and leave your dear grandparent pacified and chuckling gently. I, at least, have personally found this tactic helpful.

Are all your male friends and relatives discussing “trans rights and men in women’s sports” while tugging on their impressive beards, no doubt sponsored by Black Rifle Coffee Co.? A tried-and-true method of keeping the conversation reasonable is to loudly cough every time anyone says anything you find especially unconstructive. If people throw you annoyed looks, it often helps to roll your eyes and say, “So sorry, I’m allergic to DUMB!” Men are naturally sensitive to people with allergies and intolerances and will generally do their best to kindly accommodate your biological peculiarities. Chivalry isn’t dead but sometimes you have to give it a little hint.

Helpful tip! Carry a large red button that says “NUKES” on it. This way, if anyone mentions current military conflicts during your idyllic and peaceful holiday meal, you can pull it out and slap it repeatedly while smiling widely and making explosion sounds. This is a great way to subtly signal that you prefer not to discuss these issues at the dinner table. If you catch someone giving you an odd look, be sure to mention that your nuke button is 100% prisoner-of-war made and therefore completely free!

Is your pale, high school dropout aunt making some less-than-accurate points about “Critical Race Theory in schools” and “perverting children?” A great idea for placating the situation here is to scurry off, return with an oversized baseball bat and gently bonk her over the head. Generally, the reason many women come up with opinions they don’t completely understand is because they have used Clinton-era, safety-recalled hairspray, which contains certain brain-altering toxins like cocaine and asbestos. By using your oversized baseball bat to ruin her hairdo, you will break her out of her daze. She will thank you over and over, of course, and the rest of Thanksgiving should go by with nothing but joy and happiness.

Has your chronically twitchy mother read something about “the jab” on her flat-earth Facebook group? Pull out a full-sized, hand-crafted, steel-bladed Spanish rapier and suggest a free, on-the-spot essential oil injection activity to help your family and friends experience more natural astral vibrations. I’ve often learned that in order to reroute the conversation, but still keep it from being all about yourself, it’s a great idea to sacrificially and genuinely offer something to the other person. Generosity never fails to warm hearts. Even your most stoic relative may have a tear in their eye once you’ve finished your DIY medical malpractice.

My last pro tip: if anyone brings religion into politics at all, have two pieces of bread on hand. This way, you can slap the bread onto either side of their face and scream at them that disregarding the separation of church and state, according to federal law, makes them an idiot sandwich. Everyone loves sandwiches, so this will be a sugar-coated approach to calming them down and helping them realize their mistake, leading to a more constructive interaction.

Of course, no matter your political opinions, it’s not acceptable to incite violence, even on friends and family. Sometimes you just have to let people have their own opinions and refrain from feeling that you always have to prove yourself right or convince everyone around you of your beliefs. Avoiding engagement entirely can really help your mental health stay steady, even if it means you have to listen to opinions you don’t agree with. If you want your political opinions to matter, there are ways to do that – the International Center on Nonviolent Conflict recommends marches, boycotts, walkouts, petitions, strikes and statements among others – but arguing during the holiday break is likely not going to change anything.