Argument Etiquette Over the Holidays: How to Successfully Defuse and De-escalate Mealtime Conversations for a Stress-Free Thanksgiving

Photo by Vitaly Gariev via Uplash.

It’s going to be quite a Thanksgiving this year, considering the current political landscape! If, like me, you really just want to eat some good home-cooked food with family and friends, here are some helpful tips for staying on top of arguments and keeping your Thanksgiving from getting too controversial.

Is your beloved family member going on a rant about how the Harris-Walz campaign was actually a coverup for the fact that climate change was deepfaked to make the moon landing more plausible? Consider approaching the matter with tactical evasion by roaring, “WOW. THIS PUMPKIN PIE IS DELICIOUS!” and glaring directly into their eyes while stabbing Nana’s award-winning hand-kneaded flaky pie crust hard enough to tear through the paper plate. If the subject is not dropped, you may consider forcefully serving your relative a helping of food, refusing to set down the serving knife. You should follow this up by gesturing at the food and repeatedly asking, “Isn’t Aunt Gertrude’s bean casserole just the highlight of your year?” As a physiological need, food is at the base of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs and by fulfilling your relative’s basic desire for sustenance, you can de-escalate any political tension and make them feel loved and comforted.

Are you listening in disbelief to your ancient uncle’s Ted Talk about “post-birth abortion” and how “the left is grooming our kids to become vegan illegal immigrants who use our tax dollars to get sex reassignment surgeries?” I highly recommend vaulting onto the table and rubbing soggy stuffing into his hair while berserkly screaming gibberish. Everyone needs a little attention sometimes; this will gain his respect, help him feel warm and cuddly inside and steer the conversation to more constructive pathways.

Have you been dreading someone bringing up “mass deportation” or “illegal criminals,” but feel that the dinner conversation is quickly veering in a somewhat xenophobic direction? A great way to keep this situation under control is by slithering under the table and gently tickling people’s knees. “They’re coming for your jobses, precious!” you can tell them in your best Gollum voice from below their femurs. This is a great motto that your family will assuredly find meaningful.

Is your feeble grandmother using her last dregs of energy to aggressively declare that “more guns in schools would prevent mass shootings?” I recommend knocking over your chair and pitchily playing “Pumped Up Kicks” on the bagpipes while dancing an energetic Highland Fling. Generally, this will defuse the argument and leave your dear grandparent pacified and chuckling gently. I, at least, have personally found this tactic helpful.

Are all your male friends and relatives discussing “trans rights and men in women’s sports” while tugging on their impressive beards, no doubt sponsored by Black Rifle Coffee Co.? A tried-and-true method of keeping the conversation reasonable is to loudly cough every time anyone says anything you find especially unconstructive. If people throw you annoyed looks, it often helps to roll your eyes and say, “So sorry, I’m allergic to DUMB!” Men are naturally sensitive to people with allergies and intolerances and will generally do their best to kindly accommodate your biological peculiarities. Chivalry isn’t dead but sometimes you have to give it a little hint.

Helpful tip! Carry a large red button that says “NUKES” on it. This way, if anyone mentions current military conflicts during your idyllic and peaceful holiday meal, you can pull it out and slap it repeatedly while smiling widely and making explosion sounds. This is a great way to subtly signal that you prefer not to discuss these issues at the dinner table. If you catch someone giving you an odd look, be sure to mention that your nuke button is 100% prisoner-of-war made and therefore completely free!

Is your pale, high school dropout aunt making some less-than-accurate points about “Critical Race Theory in schools” and “perverting children?” A great idea for placating the situation here is to scurry off, return with an oversized baseball bat and gently bonk her over the head. Generally, the reason many women come up with opinions they don’t completely understand is because they have used Clinton-era, safety-recalled hairspray, which contains certain brain-altering toxins like cocaine and asbestos. By using your oversized baseball bat to ruin her hairdo, you will break her out of her daze. She will thank you over and over, of course, and the rest of Thanksgiving should go by with nothing but joy and happiness.

Has your chronically twitchy mother read something about “the jab” on her flat-earth Facebook group? Pull out a full-sized, hand-crafted, steel-bladed Spanish rapier and suggest a free, on-the-spot essential oil injection activity to help your family and friends experience more natural astral vibrations. I’ve often learned that in order to reroute the conversation, but still keep it from being all about yourself, it’s a great idea to sacrificially and genuinely offer something to the other person. Generosity never fails to warm hearts. Even your most stoic relative may have a tear in their eye once you’ve finished your DIY medical malpractice.

My last pro tip: if anyone brings religion into politics at all, have two pieces of bread on hand. This way, you can slap the bread onto either side of their face and scream at them that disregarding the separation of church and state, according to federal law, makes them an idiot sandwich. Everyone loves sandwiches, so this will be a sugar-coated approach to calming them down and helping them realize their mistake, leading to a more constructive interaction.

Of course, no matter your political opinions, it’s not acceptable to incite violence, even on friends and family. Sometimes you just have to let people have their own opinions and refrain from feeling that you always have to prove yourself right or convince everyone around you of your beliefs. Avoiding engagement entirely can really help your mental health stay steady, even if it means you have to listen to opinions you don’t agree with. If you want your political opinions to matter, there are ways to do that – the International Center on Nonviolent Conflict recommends marches, boycotts, walkouts, petitions, strikes and statements among others – but arguing during the holiday break is likely not going to change anything.