AFE: Languages Department hacks Jewellverse, removes English from iPad settings

After weeks of speculation and investigation, school officials are finally close to tracking the culprit behind the infamous iPad language hackings that have rendered the Jewellverse system virtually unusable for non-bilingual students. An informant in on the plan has revealed that the deed is in fact linked to the Foreign Language Department, who intentionally coded a bug to remove the English function from all iPads. However, it remains a mystery as to whether or not it was the work of a handful of rogue students or the entire department itself.

“I was never able to gather enough information to know if it was an isolated incident, but we can only hope it is,” the informant, who chooses to remain anonymous, said. “If not, the results would be devastating, no matter how much people underestimate the language students. One department going against the College would be bad enough, but five languages teaming up would be almost impossible to disperse without compromising education for noninvolved students.”

No matter who the guilty party is, the bug has already done irreparable damage. Many students have reported having a more difficult time understanding their homework than usual and have simply given up on completing it, leaving classes weeks behind schedule. Whispers have already begun to circulate about William Jewell scrapping its summer curriculum to make up for this loss, causing advising counselors to pull caffeine-fueled all-nighters . Whether or not the rumors have been confirmed, the fear is very real, as at least five advisors have become so physically drained that they cannot leave their desks, leaving other departmental professors rushing to fill their teaching slots.

Close monitoring of the language classrooms and inside jokes among students have led investigators to clear the names of certain major players in the department, due to common user error with classroom devices.  Nevertheless, members of the faculty remain suspicious.

In the meantime, while the culprit is still at large, Jewell technology experts have tested new translation capabilities that will be are. The current update is very rudimentary and isn’t to the level to translate homework yet, but the debuggers aim to have a system up that “at the very least will be better than Google Translate” within two days’ time.

However, a select number of students, including Branson Carmichael, junior, have found a far simpler solution to the problem.

“The moment the glitch showed up, I turned my iPad on and off again,” Carmichael said. “Worked just fine for me after that.”

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