AFE: Vermin Supreme are all around Jewell

With Dr. David Sallee set to retire at the end of this year, the Board of Trustees has selected Vermin Supreme to be the new president of William Jewell College.

Supreme has previously campaigned to be the president of the entire country and it’s likely that his political policy will carry over into his college policy.

Supreme has promised to implement a mandatory tooth-brushing policy. The many students at Jewell who drink coffee all day long but never brush their teeth have expressed concern, but Supreme is intent on eliminating plaque from Jewell’s campus.

Zombie preparedness has been another major concern of Supreme’s, especially considering that there is a cemetery on campus. As Dr. Sallee built the PLC, expect Dr. Supreme to build some bunkers. Take comfort in the fact that the College will be the safest campus in the country in the event of the zombie apocalypse.

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Students at Jewell have received free iPads in recent years, but Supreme has outlined plans to give all students a free pony instead. Beginning next year, students will have the option to choose, either a free iPad or a pony.

Students can expect President Supreme to be a stand-up guy who upholds the progressive values of the College. The Board of Trustees really knew that they had found the right candidate when Supreme told them of plans to invest in time travel, which will open many more Journey Grant options for students.

Dr. Supreme has high hopes for his time at Jewell, and the College is excited to welcome him. His term will take effect as of July 1.

All photos taken by Chandler Eaton

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