About a week ago, I was sitting on one of those red lawn chairs by Jewell Hall, just soaking in the sun, when I noticed something strange lying in the grass a few feet away, glittering in the bright midday light. I walked over and picked it up. Looking at it now, it seems to be a book or journal of some sort, written in a strange, hieroglyphic script which I have been working to decipher. Its cover is metal and has various buttons embedded in it, some of which make a strange beeping sound if I press them. As I began to read, I noticed the date on the inside front cover: January 26, 2961! Have I found an original document from the future? I can’t say for sure, but in the spirit of journalism I will share the contents of this book, and maybe one of you readers will be able to find out whether this could possibly be, indeed, a time traveler’s diary.
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The research project has been approved. I am excited and honored to begin my dissertation studies by traveling to the ancient civilization of pre-Vorkopolik America, in the year 2026, to discover by experience the culture of its inhabitants and hopefully to conduct undercover exploration about their beliefs and customs. I have landed at what I believe to be the ancient city-state of Texas, and there seems to be some sort of religious celebration occurring which I have been observing for the past few hours. My list of observations grows steadily more unbelievable, but I swear I write nothing but the pure truth so help me Borg.
I was wearing my red, reflective antivirus suit which I had worried would cause the inhabitants some fear or confusion. However, as I walked into what, according to the signs, was the American Airlines center, the inhabitants seemed pleased and not at all offended by my hyperreflective outfit, instead uttering drawn-out grunts of some sort. One even offered me a ceremonial headpiece of the same color enscribed with the slogan to “Improve, Once More, America” or something like that. I did not get a chance to fully run text translation software.
They all seemed to be headed to a specific area in the building, so I joined them. Following, I walked into a large amphitheater of some sort in the middle of what seemed to be a speech which I translated with my multi-language earpiece, although I believe it may have been malfunctioning, as I picked up audio of a very ugly old man attempting to bribe the Americanite people for their vote with a payment of $5,000 each should he win some sort of powerful title. If my calculator reports correctly, this would come to over $1.3 trillion, which in those days I believe was a lot of money although today Borg knows you can hardly get a tank of gas for less than $2 gongillion. Anyway, I began attempting to fix my translation headset as the speeches continued, but I continued to pick up fragments. I will have to confirm with the ship’s backup recordings, but I believe the same ugly man also stated that people who did not vote for him would be attending a place called “hell,” which after a brief jorblenet search I found to be a term for some sort of immortal torture location within the belief system of this civilization. To me, this seems like a harsh punishment, but I came to believe that these inhabitants thought of the ugly old man as their deity. There was little negative reaction to anything he told them, even when stating untruths such as that the area was “packed” (whereas from my calculations it seemed to be at a relatively low percentage of habitation. Perhaps “packed” is a piece of linguistic vernacular that my translator does not include and instead means something more like “a little more than half full or so”).
The inhabitants also allowed themselves to be led in a sort of religious pact or oath, chanting that they respected the man as “the greatest President in the history of the United States that loves us so much he can’t breathe,” that they would “go out with … family and friends” and vote “if I’m registered or not. I’m going to try and cheat like hell.” This was surprising, because from what I had learned in Ancient History Seminar, cheating was generally a thing that the American peoples’ deity forbade, and so Americanites generally frowned on it unless it was conducted by the upper-class members of its caste system. I think I’ll have to take my translation software to the shop.
After the event, I tried to ask some of the inhabitants what was going on. I believe there was some sort of virus spreading, though, because each person I asked responded with an exuberant “Trumpapalooza!” “Bless you,” I would respond. Good thing my reflective suit was also antibacterial. Switching tact, I tried to find out how each inhabitant ended up here. Surprisingly, I found that some of them had paid up to $20,000 (equivalent to approximately 3.8 squintillion in 2961 currency) to be there, while others had been given tickets for free or won them from lottery-style giveaways. Another sign pointing to this occurrence being of religious significance, as it includes an element of chance destining some to attend and some not to.
Having collected this fascinating research, I have begun preparations to return to my research academy. I believe that my dissertation thesis concerning religious practice in the ancient Americanite civilizations of the 1800-2300 period has been overall upheld by my immersion experience, although the technical difficulties were certainly annoying. In fact, as well as the potential issues with my translation software, I worry that the supply hold is loosening and will not latch properly. Hopefully nothing of value to my studies will fall out as I fly rapidly around the earth, attempting to gain enough velocity to shift back to the present day. Maybe in the future it will be more convenient to time travel. It’s so Borg-damn frustrating.
Signing off,
Captain L. P. Exivor, Research Assistant for Prof. Broxiffle of the Ancient Studies Department, Ziglat State University.
