AFE: Hair in Jones Hall bathroom drain becomes sentient

A joint effort by the William Jewell College biology and psychology departments is attempting to communicate with the recently enlightened tangle of hair from that drain in Jones Hall. No word has yet been made on its major or gender pronouns.

Discovered over winter break by one dude that somehow always manages to get approval to stay, the clump of hair began moving and instantly complained of being stressed-out and getting no sleep. The resident then made it coffee and gave it a brush to comb through that rat’s nest. The hair clump now sports some sick dreads and wishes you wouldn’t judge.

The hair clump proved to be too much for the resident and moved into a room in Eaton Hall. The hair clump was then quickly evicted by Resident Assistant Drew Novak for violating the three night visitation policy. A decision was then made to keep the hair in White Science Center for scientific study.

Early interviews have made some disturbing findings: the hair likes ketchup on its steak, listens unironically to Kidz Bop and doesn’t see what’s so bad about President Trump.

“It must be destroyed,” said junior biology major Luke Lockhart, a member of the hair study team who asks way too many questions during research meetings. “Once the hair learned English, I had it read my countless, long-winded editorials for ‘The Hilltop Monitor’ that slam Donald Trump. After the third article, it glanced up with a bored stare and said ‘I don’t see what’s so bad about this guy.’”

The hair study team has yet to decide on its fate, but since it hasn’t made its payments to the business office, it might not even be able to register for classes this fall.

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