Earth-shattering news has reached the campus of William Jewell College: the sorority women that call each other “mom” and “dot” aren’t actually related. The falsities that have played such a vital role in Greek system pose the question: What else are these sororities lying about?
Have you noticed the lack of squirrels on our campus? Rumor has it that the Alpha Gamma Delta, ΑΓΔ, is hiding all of the campus squirrels on their wing. What are they doing with all the squirrels? Investigations by the Missouri Department of Conservation conclude that they are using the squirrels to help to pick their Instagram filters for them. Next time you see a squirrel, catch it, and release it off of campus to save it from the humiliation of not getting enough likes.
Officials reported Zeta Tau Alpha’s glass doors and windows were recently covered by many pieces of paper. Many students are wondering why ΖΤΑ has block off the view to their wing. More importantly, what are they hiding inside?
“I saw all the ZTA members wearing bunnies on their clothes,” said one frazzled looking professor. Authorities are now investigating the links between ZTA “bunnies” and the killer bunny from “Monty Python & the Holy Grail.” “I’d bet my tenure they’re raising killer bunnies behind those covered windows.”
On Tuesday, Mar. 24, overwhelming numbers of Delta Zeta, ΔΖ, members were wearing t-shirts strongly resembling the Illuminati. The eye placed in the middle of the delta sign was easily mistaken for the ancient symbol of the Illuminati- or was it a lapse in judgement as the ΔΖ sisters accidentally wore their true symbol around the Quad?
What are the members of Alpha Delta Pi, AΔΠ, hiding from the campus? An investigation found that, since AΔΠ is the only sorority that is officially a sorority and not a women’s fraternity, they certainly must be hiding some deep, dark secret. Are they wizards from another universe? Are they required to memorize 1000 digits of π? The investigation alluded to many of these theories, but all resulted in dead ends. Investigation could not be continued be due to anonymous notes signed with a lion paw print. AΔΠ will forever remain a mystery. First, finest, most mysterious.
What all started with the realization that “mom-dot” pairs are not actually related has now resulted in a campus-wide investigation of the organizations we all thought we knew. Please report all suspicious activity to Campus Safety at (816)-365-0709.
Additional reporting by Chandler Eaton
Edit: As a staff we usually describe human beings in terms of ounces or handfuls, but apparently that’s not socially acceptable??? Thus, an edit:
Original: overwhelming amounts of Delta Zetas
Current: overwheming numbers of Delta Zetas