Humans of Jewell

The holiday season has arrived at William Jewell College with promises of relaxation and no stress, but this time of year is not just fun and games for all humans of William Jewell. The stressful workload of Christmas has just begun for Santa as he spreads holiday cheer over the campus.

“My favorite would be landing on the roof of the Union though it’s quite difficult, you know. It gives me a different perspective of Lighting of the Quad,” said Santa.

Santa explained that while the Christmas season is full of tradition, it also leaves room for innovation. When calculating the naughty and nice dichotomy, Santa began relying on technological advances.

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“It used to be all of the elves were crunching the numbers, but in the recent years we have incorporated technology,” said Santa.

The naughty and nice lists require a panoply of data collection leading all the way up to Christmas. Santa refused to answer the probing question of who is on which list directly.

“I can’t tell you the answer until after finals when I have all the data. There is still a lot of opportunity for naughty. In years past I have thought the outcome would be nice, but no, finals week really allows for a lot of naughty,” said Santa.

However, without having this year’s completed data, Santa was still able to elude to who is coal-bound this season.

“The real question is if there are faculty who are nice or naughty,” said Santa.

His data must remain unbiased and uphold universal standards.

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“The music department is impressive, particularly the leadership. Yet one doesn’t like to comment too directly, but where there are nice, there are naughty. I will say the department of anthropology has not been doing the best of jobs,” said Santa.

For many Jewell students, a GPA boost is the ideal Christmas miracle.

“People say they want iPhones and new computers, but in fact it comes down to a boost for their GPA. There are some things that even Santa can’t help,” said Santa.

Under the stress of the holidays and the overwhelming effort put into “the act of getting on the sleigh and visiting the shopping malls,” Santa has been exploring new job opportunities. With the forthcoming retirement of Dr. Sallee, Santa is considering the job. Convenience is a factor since he already has plenty of red attire.

“If I were to become the President [of Jewell], a question would have to be raised whether or not it is ethical to have finals so close to Christmas,” said Santa.

Santa admits that maybe once he is president he can perform the Christmas miracle that many GPAs are hoping for. Until then Jewell students must earn their scholarship-required 2.5 for themselves while keeping in mind that the naughty and nice data collection is nowhere near complete.

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All photos taken by Chandler Eaton

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