AFE: White Science to “build a wall” to keep Marston students out of bathroom

On the northwestern border of White Science, protesting has broken out among the scientists and mathematicians. Glaring beneath their goggles, the protesters cast aside their lab coats so they can better hold signs bearing the message: BUILD A WALL. The wall in question would be built to protect White Science from the dangers lurking within Marston Hall.

This is a well known narrative on William Jewell College’s campus. The animosity between White Science and Marston Hall has been around since the science building was still brunette and the Marston’s bricks were still drying. However, the recent geopolitical tension has been over a seemingly shitty issue – bathrooms.

Marston Hall stands disendowed with plumbing, leaving the faculty, staff and students seeking restroom refuge in the facilities of White Science. Why would an architect ever design a building without porcelain capacity, knowing full well the mass amounts of caffeine that would be consumed on the premises? Well, as George Orwell’s dear friend Frank Lloyd Wright once said, “All buildings were designed equally, but some are more equal than others.”

The scientists have taken their stand, and they want a wall. No more Harriman Jewell Series staff at their water fountains and no more POL250 students hyperventilating in their stalls.

“We’re gonna build it! Believe me,” said a frantic sophomore chemistry major, requesting to be unnamed. “Don’t even worry about the funds, we’ll make the nursing department pay for it.”

Many are of the belief that the wall will never be built. Bureaucratic lab reports tend to keep the scientists too busy for real action as evidenced by the year-old “terrarium coming soon” sign.

“The scientists think their shit don’t stank,” said a senior nursing major. “And if there’s two things I can’t stand, it’s departmental intolerance and physicists.”

If the wall is indeed built, Marston will be forced to adopt alternative methods such as the chamber pot technique. However the splash zone causes another geopolitical conflict for a minority group – the students who sneak behind Marston to smoke their organic American Spirits. Keep in mind, this angsty crowd tends to be pissed enough as it is.

The philosophy department remains underwhelmed, releasing a statement to the press on Friday saying, “Verbal excrement will perpetuate unabatedly.”

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