AFE: Students sue Residence Life for injuries from Ely’s burlap walls

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Ely—once called the only place to BE-ly—has now been deemed unBElievably dangerous and unfit for housing students for the 2017-18 school year. This decision came after two students sued Residence Life last month for third-degree rugburns sustained by the burlap walls in their Ely dorm room.

The two unsuspecting first-years were reportedly “hugging” too close to the walls on the third floor. They both incurred tragic burns on their legs and immediately cried for help. Help was delayed as first year Resident Assistants struggled to find the students.

“I forgot we had a third floor!” explained RA Chandler Eaton.

After the students were located, they were rushed downstairs to the Ely clinic. However, since the Nurse Practitioner was on her four hour lunch break, the students were sent to Liberty Hospital for treatment instead.

Having just recovered their reputation from the giant bean bag incidents of 2015, these recent lawsuits have put Ely under severe scrutiny again. Thus, Residence Life has decided to bar students from living in the dorm until the rooms pass the necessary safety inspections.

Some Residence Life staff are confused as to where the college plans to house the seven incoming freshman in the Fall. “I’m not sure what will become of the first-year experience; it’s not like there are other first-year dorms on campus!” exclaimed current Ely RA Macy Tush.

The “Monitor’s” sources at Student Life allege that the burlap will be replaced with bubble wrap. Packing peanuts may or may not be supplied for all first years during Orientation.

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