AFE: What has the Biology Department been hiding from us? The truth may shock you.

On Monday, March 14th, the campus of William Jewell College was on lockdown as the guardian beast of White Science Center was accidently let out. Nobody was injured because just about everyone was on mandatory Spring Break. The monster, affectionately named “Billy”, was able to leave White Science Center due to an administrative mistake. Chris Larston, sophomore biology major, is one of many student workers responsible for keeping Billy alive and has accepted full responsibility for the breakout.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” said Larston. “I forgot to set my clocks forward the previous day. I got to White Science Center an hour late to put him into sleep mode. The doors were already unlocked—they lock from the inside, in case you never noticed, to keep him in—and I thought ‘aw, crap, Billy is out.’”

Security camera footage revealed that Billy took a lap around the quad, climbed on the roofs of a few buildings, studied in a PLC room without reserving it and stole a muffin from the display case before making his way to Ely Hall. That’s where Larston found him.

“He was in the entrance. His card wouldn’t let him in because we never let him matriculate. There was a student inside that wouldn’t let him in. I didn’t think anyone actually followed that policy.”

Billy is the only example of creepy crawlulus, a biologically-engineered organism designed specifically to guard White Science Center from potential break-ins. He was created by a team led by Dr. Owen Wayne, the biology department’s genetic engineering specialist. Until now, the project was known only to the biology department.

“It’s totally legal, I promise,” said Wayne. “We just needed something to guard the expensive equipment at night back when the campus never locked a single door. Times have changed, obviously, but we couldn’t find Billy a new home. So, like most old things at Jewell, we kept him here in a storeroom.”

After an initial cover-up, news of the break-out was made public and Billy’s very existence on campus was met with swift, widespread condemnation. Many are calling for Wayne’s resignation. Among those is Clark Carlson, junior biology major.

“It’s things like these that get me most upset. It’s why I’ve run for student president every year I’ve been here,” said Carlson.

He believes Billy’s breakout will give him the powder keg he needs to win election this year.

“Once I’m placed in charge, we’ll release Billy into the wild, where he belongs. After that, students and students alone will decide if we want monsters on campus. They’ll be organic, non-GMO, cage-free monsters that won’t harm anyone.” said Carlson.

In the meantime, Billy has been relocated to a new closet, Pillsbury Room 313, and placed on indefinite sleep mode.

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