AFE: Administration to open investigation to find the most stressed student at Jewell

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Administration at William Jewell College is set to open an investigation in order to find out who the most stressed student at the College really is.

After years of rigorous academics and critical thinking, college officials have been listening to students constantly comparing themselves around campus.

“I literally got two hours of sleep last night because I’m just in so many hard classes,” one anonymous Jewell employee overheard a student say.

“Yeah, I guess that might be tough for you. I totally get it – I just had three tests today and have, like, 100 essays due this week. I’m just always so busy because I have five majors and am signing up for my seventh minor,” that same official heard a student respond, as if in contest.

This frequent one-upping from students has concerned administration, who vowed to begin an investigation to settle the matter of who is truly the most stressed. Although, students may have to wait a long time to find out the results.

“We expect this investigation to take months, if not years. Based on the preliminary information we’ve gathered, it seems like every single student at this school claims to be the most stressed,” stated an anonymous administration official.

Students are anxiously awaiting the results of the investigation, because every single person at Jewell believes the report will finally prove to their friends that they are, in fact, the most stressed.

Upon the conclusion of the investigation, The Hilltop Monitor will release the results and subsequently award the most stressed student for their masochistic tendencies that prompted them to become triple majors and join no less than 10 clubs.

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