AFE: Conspiracy theory – Jewell admits icons only

In a stunning reveal, the Hilltop Monitor has uncovered evidence that William Jewell College may have some of the lowest true acceptance rates in the country for one very telling reason: Jewell admits icons only.

With just a cursory look at the Pryor Learning Commons (PLC), one can see the writing on the wall. This school is composed of iconic individuals. You can scarcely walk through the quad, eat in the caf, attend class or study in the PLC without encountering a unique member of Jewell royalty.

Rendering of aggressive deer on campus.

The fact that there was a Student Senate debate centering on Chicken Tender Thursdays? Iconic. Ian McBride never wearing shoes? Iconic. Jewell’s birthday signs being stolen? Iconic. Swimmers wearing speedos to distract basketball opponents during free throws? Iconic.

The designated areas of the PLC? Iconic. Jewell-specific memes? Iconic. People Juuling at Jewell? Iconic. There being a cemetary at the center of campus? Iconic. There being a campus-wide text about an aggressive male deer on campus? Iconic. People calling Jewell the Harvard of the Midwest? Iconic.

Senior nursing major and LCA member Nicholas Bromley is propelled backward by the sheer force of the watermelon bust.

LCA hosting Watermelon Bust? Iconic. Fiji trucking in sand for Fiji Islander without approval? Iconic. Oxbridge even existing? Iconic. Every student getting a very expensive iPad? Iconic. Hilltop Monitor quizzes becoming a school-wide sensation? Iconic.

The music playing in the PLC and the Union? Iconic. Being THE Critical Thinking College™? Iconic. All of the same people being involved in every organization? Iconic.

Now how does one conclude that this is systematic process, rather than a simple fluke? There are simply too many icons in one condensed location for there to be any other answer.

The Monitor has not asked admissions for a comment.

Catherine Dema

Catherine Dema is the page editor for Features & Investigations on The Hilltop Monitor. She is a senior majoring in Oxbridge: History of Ideas and physics.

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